Ranma’s Horrible Histories
by Phorcys
Summary: Ranma / Sailor Moon and others MultiCrossOver. One day a strange boy turns up at the gates of time, escaping through the gates with Pluto's key. Ranma's strange and chaotic journey through time, dimensions, and space.
1. I Shall Poke It With A Stick

**Ranma's Horrible Histories.**

Disclaimer: As soon as the lightning strikes, I will have my own Ranma and won't need to borrow one from Rumiko Takahashi. I don't own Sailor Moon either.

Pre-Read by Hiryo, who has his own stories here on FF.N

Chapter One

Some day's it's not worth getting out of bed in the morning . . . .

Sailor Pluto was staring into the Gate of Time. In her view, there is a vision of a shining and pure Future Crystal Tokyo, ruled over by Neo Queen Serenity and her Prince. It would be a glorious peace, a hope of earth's future. From behind the Sailor Senshi, she could hear the rustling of cloth . . . . Pluto whipped around and standing just behind her was a small boy in a white Gi. With his black hair pulled back in a little pigtail, while he had his arms behind his back slowly swinging backwards and forwards on the balls of his feet, the boy looked nearly to be in primary school age. Then and there, she saw an inquisitive look in his dark blue eyes that she would learn to fear.

"What are you doing?" Pluto was stunned for a second, which was long enough for the child to run past her and stand in front of the Gate of Time. Being open, he could see the prophesied Crystal Tokyo future.

"Wow your TV's big. What are you watching? Awww, it's really Shinny!" Pluto snatched the boy's arm to pull him away from the ancient technology.

"How the hel...how did you get here young man?" Quickly the boy took a deep breath and started talking.

"My name's Ranma Saotome, I live at 23 Wrights Road, Tokyo and I'm nearly six. Where are we? Who are you? Where's my Daddy? How come your TV's stuck? It's boring. I'm hungry. Do you have anything to eat? I'm really, really, really, really HUNGRY!"

Ranma took a breath to start again. Pluto slapped a hand over his mouth and stared in amazement that the child was still trying to talk through her hand. Picking Ranma up under one arm, she kept her palm over the boy's mouth. Suddenly she could feel a slimy wet thing on her palm and pulled her hand quickly away from Ranma's mouth.

"You're pretty. Why is your hair green? It looks like snot you have snot hair. I like Ramen. Are we going to eat ramen? I can eat ten bowls of ramen. I could eat it while I sleep. Your house is a big door. You have a dog? I like dog's they lick stuff. Do you want to hear my impression of a dog? I'm really good at it." Ranma started to bark.

She didn't see how the child breathed. Pluto had reached the area set aside for her convenience and placed the barking child on the corner of her bed. "Ranma my name's Setsuna and this is my place. Stop barking . . . . How did you get here?"

Ranma stopped barking with a disappointed look on his face. "My daddy says I'm going to be the best Martial Artist ever and he said that I need to train really, really hard and that I have to do what he says."

Pluto sighed "Yes, but how did you get here?"

Ranma sighed at the stupidity of adults. "I was telling you. Dad found this scroll just lying around in a temple we were visiting and he borrowed it. Pop said it had a really great training schedule on it and I was to read it out aloud. I can read really good," Ranma declared proudly.

"It wasn't very hard and then when I had finished reading it there was this whosshy noise and I was here. Where's here?"

Pluto was amazed. Somehow, a transportation spell from the Old Kingdom had survived. In some way, Ranma's father had got his hands on it and had thought it was a martial arts training implement. How in Hades could anyone think that?

"Now Ranma, I'm going to take you home. I just need you to tell me, where did you come from?" Ranma perked up he could answer this question.

"Mummy told me that when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much . . . ."

Pluto went to place her hand over the boy's mouth again and reconsidered. "Ahh, why don't you sit here quietly, while I get you something to eat?" Sailor Pluto hurried away from Ranma to her library. There is no way a kid should have been able to find his way into the Gate of Time. Contemplating a few seconds she concluded, 'I'll send him back, get the scroll and hunt down any other copies there may be of it and then enjoy a happy hour at a nice club.'

Running her hands up and down her clothes and through her hair, Sailor Pluto calmed herself down and walked back out to the boy. He was gone. This isn't good.

'First things first, check the Time Gate.' Rushing toward the magical force that could level the universe she could hear someone singing. 'This really isn't good.' Finally, she could see the gate. Ranma was standing in front of it, while hopping around.

As she got closer, she could see that somehow the little brat had gotten a hold of a stick. No, it wasn't a stick. It was her Garnet Rod. That little bastard was poking the Gates of Time with her staff. In stunned disbelief she stood just looking at Ranma while he poked at the gates of time until she noticed that the gates were beginning to glow a strange orange color.

"Poke, it with a stick, poke it with a stick. I'm going to poke it . . . with a stick."

"Drop that, drop it now!" Ranma ignored the furious guardian and bounced away from her, while continuing to poke the gates of time with the long pole that he had found. It was somewhat girly with a big heart on top.

He had gone back to look at the pretty lady's television, he thought it might be broken, because all it showed was some boring nature show with this shinny city. Boring, and he couldn't figure out how to change the channels. So, when he saw the big stick, he thought it wouldn't hurt to poke it a couple of times.

Sailor Pluto rushed ineffectively after the bouncing boy, as he kept poking the ancient and very powerful gates of time with another ancient and very powerful object.

"Stop jumping around and give me that," She demanded as the damn kid bounced off her head and poked the gates of time again. To Setsuna's horror they began to flash showing different points in time, at one point it looked like dinosaurs the next she could see horse and carts.

Frustrated she dragged a hand back through her hair and screamed. "Drop it you little brat."

Ranma laughed, this was fun, and once more he poked the Staff into the Gate of Time and with a 'POP,' he was gone along with the Garnet Staff and the Gates were shut with a bang. Sailor Pluto's face dropped. The gate had stopped glowing and flickering. Moreover, for the first time in 3000 years the Sailor of Time swore aloud.

"Bollocks."

Authors Note:

The start of another story. I am unsure where in time, Ranma will turn up, but I imagine he is not going to stay there for long. He is probably going to pop up at various moments in history, with my short impressions of Ranma's impact.

Please tell me what you think.


	2. Mummy Madness

**Ranma's Horrible Histories**

For more info about my stories as well to ask me any questions, go to my yahoo group: http/ groups. yahoo. com/ group/ phorcys fanfiction

Pre-read by Hiryo, whose own stories reside here at FF.N

Chapter Two

_**Mummy Madness**_

**'POP!'**

It had taken Setsuna some time to find her spare Garnet Staff. She had eventually found it stuffed at the back of her closet with her hockey stick. Using it to reopen the gates of time, she peered into its misty depths and frowned. The little brat had left the Gates of Time subjectively only thirty minutes ago but he could be anywhere backwards or forwards through the time. She had no idea where or when the little boy called Ranma had come from.

A tiny part of her mind hoped that he had landed in a tar pit and all the problems he was going to cause was giving some archaeologist a heart attack. She tried to reassure herself. It wasn't as if the child could use the key: He would probably die and she would have nothing to worry about. Remembering that the hyperactive boy managed to avoid her grasp. 'Her,' the Guardian of Time and Space, she began to chew on her bottom lip. 'I wont have anything to worry about, wont I? First, I will check on Crystal Tokyo the goal of everything I had worked towards.

Soon the court will wake. So the time line should run smoothly. That little brat, he better not has damaged it.' With a tap of her spare staff, she drew the mists of the gate aside to view the future and for the second time in 3000 years, she swore aloud.

"Bugger."

**2500 B.C.E Lower Egypt . . . .**

Alamui had been a cleaner at the temple of Bast for twenty years and could see his retirement drawing close. He was going to live with his daughter and her family and have them look after him. He wasn't going to lift a finger. Life was good. However, that was going to change, today he was cleaning the room leading down into the pyramid of Khufu, and its temple complex.

The door leading into the pyramid has been sealed with heavy sandstone blocks long ago to deter grave robbers and Alamui only cleaned the room rarely. He was just about finished when he started to hear a banging noise. He looked around, "If that's you Jaer, you can stop right now." The knocking stopped. Alamui started sweeping again. The knocking started up again.

"Right if you don't stop that Jaer I'm going to . . . ." His words ground to a halt as the sealed stone door in front of him began to shudder and crumble until it shattered into a pile of rubble.

Alamui stared at the dusty white figure that stood in the remains of the pyramid entrance. "Arghh." Dropping his broom, he turned and ran. 'The pharaoh had come back from the land of the dead, funny, he thought to himself, he would have expected him to be taller.

**Thirty minutes ago . . . .**

Ranma had been having so much fun at the pretty lady's house. Even though her television hadn't been working, he had nearly fixed it. Pop was right if you poke something with a stick hard enough it would always work, sooner or later. The day had started as just another boring training trip. Pop had made him read a parchment filled with funny writing that he had borrowed from that old temple.

It had looked strange but he always did what his Pop told him to do. Now he was in the dark lying on his back and it was dusty. Maybe Pop had put him in the cupboard again, practice for hiding from what Pop called 'ungrateful bastards who can't take a joke.' He wasn't sure what the men were but he thought they were very nasty, because Pop always hid from them and his Pop was a super powerful martial artist, the best in the whole wide world. Chibi-Ranma was so proud of his father. Oh the innocence of childhood.

Bringing his arms up in front of him, he could feel stone all around, and beside him a body, covered in bandages. Ranma thought for a moment and then gasped. He must be in a hospital. Carefully he lifted the stone above his head and slid it down. It was still pitch dark. He wasn't afraid of the dark, he is a big boy, but he wouldn't say no to a torch, with that thought the Garnet staff's red heart began to glow a soft pink and illuminated the room.

Painted pictures covered the walls and Ranma gaped at the people and animals painted in rows. It was very impressive; he wished he had a camera. Beside him a man all covered in bandages lay, quietly he crept out of the box not to disturb him. Ranma held the staff up in the air and looked around "I wonder what the way out is?" A bandage wrapped arm appeared out of the sarcophagus and pointed to a door on the far side of the room. Ranma bobbed his head "Thank you." A dusty voice answered as he walked away.

"You're welcome."

**Thirty minutes later . . . .**

Sneezing from all the dust Ranma wiped his nose with his sleeve. He wondered why the man ran away and why he had been wearing a skirt. It had been great fun climbing through the hospital but he didn't think it was very safe for sick people. All those spikes and open pits, why if he hadn't had his trusty stick with him the crocodile would have gobbled him up for sure.

He was finally out and he was hungry. With his finely tuned Saotome nose, Ranma could smell roasting meat and frying bread in the distance.

"Foooood."

Swinging his staff through the air Ranma jumped into the air and without engaging any thought process he was out the door before the dust could settle.

**Bast's godly residence . . . .**

Yawning widely Bast stretched, she was just waking up from her mid morning nap. It was tough being a goddess. Suddenly bells peeled through her pillared home echoing off the marble walls. Leisurely the cat goddess rose from her couch and slunk to her terminal. With the touch of a button the noise stopped. Flashing on the screen, a red warning box shouted that a metaphysical intruder was trespassing in one of her temples.

Tapping away at her terminal she discovered that an unregistered time traveler had landed in the middle of a small temple of hers some time around 2500 B.C.e near Karnak. And strangely, they had been using technology from the ancient 'Moon Kingdom.'

Well this could be fun. It had been so long since she had been allowed to have any fun; everyone seemed to have forgotten about poor little Bast. No one had burnt incense or dedicated fatted calves to her in such a long time, she was feeling ignored.

Moreover, it's not a good idea to ignore a cat especially one that is also a goddess, as any one who has had the honor of being owned by a cat knows. Maybe she should go and investigate this disturbance and find out who her visitor was. Smiling the Cat Goddess, clicked away at her terminal until the appropriate paper work was done and smiled. She was going to have so much fun.

Authors Note:

Phorcys looks at reviews. Blinks, looks again. Goes away and gets a drink still stunned. Umm well, I have had this sitting on my computer for a little while. The idea was unfinished, but now I am slowly working on it. I hope I haven't disappointed any one with this chapter. I never expected the response I got. I will keep writing my other Ranma 1/2 and other genre stories, just even slower than I have been. I have moved to New Zealand and my computer/internet access is sparse. Which is also the reason my knowledge of Ancient Egypt has suffered the further I am from my information.

Remember Yahoo group.

I am looking for other sites to place my Ranma stories and some good websites for Sailor Moon information all help is gratefully appreciated.

Please keep reviewing to tell me what you think, or just say Hi.


	3. Babar

Ranma's Horrible Histories

Disclaimer:

I don't own Ranma, Sailor Moon, McDonalds, Egypt, or any Hippos called Babar.

Pre-read by the wonderful Hiryo.

**Authors Note:**

I AM ALIVE . . . . As you are reading this chapter, do not worry, I can still write and have not broken both my arms.. I am having fun with this story. You've been warned.

Chapter Three

**Babar**

_'Beer' helping ugly people get laid since 3000 B.C._

Ranma was hot, tired, bored, and worst of all in his mind hungry. He was so hungry that he could feel his stomach growling. It sounded like he had swallowed an entire dog. So he decided to solve this important problem and clutching his growling stomach, he began to bounce his way away from the big stone temple complex into the New Kingdom Egypt of the 18th dynasty.

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Slowly Pluto was fishing through the gates of time looking for anything to help her find 'The Brat' as Ranma has been labeled in her mind. So far, she had ruled out before 10,000 B.C.e and after 1000 C.E., which just left eleven thousand years to search. 'Easy.'

'I hope the brat isn't getting into any trouble.' Setsuna had just made a big mistake. She had just invoked Murphy's Law, or as those who come to know and fear Ranma knows it as 'Ranma's Law.' 'Ranma's Law' means that any chanced statement or fear will come true at the worst possible moment for the speaker, especially around Ranma.

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Everything that Ranma could see was green, bright, and so close to the big river. A path had lead down to the river from the temple and he could see a whole lot of big lizards swimming around that kind of reminded him of the crocodiles Pop has used for his training the year before. And every so often, he saw these big gray balloons floating down the river. They just seemed to bounce along with the tide. Ranma watched them float down the river with the tide and had an idea.

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Bast had finally passed through the godly equivalent of immigration and appeared in a puff of smoke from the incense floating at her temple in Thebes, above her gold inlayed statue. So the poor temple maid Kaerl, who had been complaining about cleaning up after four hundred cats and wishing she had let her mother talk her into letting her marry the potter, was shocked out of her wig and abasing her self on the ground as soon as she saw the cat headed Goddess.

"Ohh, I forgot how hot it is. Some one gets me a cool drink."

Kaerl squeaked and rushed out of the altar room and was back faster than the deity could step down from her position over the statue. Kaerl rushed back into the room with a leather mug and raised it too her goddess. Bast sniffed at the smell then took a short sip from the mug.

"Hmm Egyptian Beer just like I remember. Now where was I?" The goddess pulled from her folded linen gown what looked like a wax tablet.

Kaerl watched in stunned silence as her god talked to herself

"The disturbance was near Giza. I really should go straight there, but I want to check out the new market stalls in Luxor. Oh well it will still be there after I finish shopping."

The goddess finally noticed the trembling girl at her sandaled feet. "Mortal how do you feel about linen versus cotton?"

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The fishermen of the Nile had seen many strange sights but all would agree later over a cool mug of beer that what they saw that day was the strangest. Floating down the river was a Hippo but what was strange about this hippo was that a small foreign boy dressed all in white was sitting on the man-eaters back poking it with a long pole and singing.

"I'm a pirate and I poke things. I'm a pirate and I am the best. I will take all your food because I am so hungry." Every so often, the hippo would go diving or wandering towards the bank but would be stopped by the little magician. Because that is what all the fishermen believed, the foreign child to be would prod the hippo with his staff and shout at it. "No! Bad Babar! We are river pirates and must stay on the river."

No one dared approach the strange float for fear of the Hippo and its magical master. All agreed that after a few more beers they would never talk about it again.

Ranma was having great fun after he had caught the elephant and floated down the river. Sometimes a crocodile would try to bite his new pet but he would just bop the toothy maw on the noses and it would go away. He was having so much fun being a pirate he just wished he could find some food. Then he saw it a little town.

The buildings were small and made of white mud. He had seen lots of people in the streets around the towns market, and then they had seen him and Babar. He waved and shouted hello, nearly falling off his new pet. However, for some reason they all began to run away. He had no idea why.

When he finally reached the wooden pier of the town and still sitting on the back of his pet elephant Babar he let the hippo walk straight through the town.

All villagers were long gone and left their market behind. Ranma saw the vegetables and loaves of bread spread out for the market.

"FOOD!"

Leaping from the hippo, he rushed towards the Egyptian bread. Before the hippo could realize what was happening Ranma was stuffing the hand ground bread into his mouth and spitting it out.

"Oww! Stones and dust that's not nice. I want food." Clutching the garnet rod in one hand, he prodded the food at his feet and scowled. It had tasted nasty filled, with sand, and it had been stale. Ranma was upset he had traveled 3500 years and he was hungry. The hippo who by now had realized the tiny menace that had some how been making it swim down the river and not let it bite the pest was now off his back and standing in front of him.

The hippo's brain slowly began to turn and came to one conclusion. 'Squish.'

Ranma was angry and he was hungry. So poking the bread Ranma began to mutter under his breath and wished that he could have McDonalds, yummy salty greasy McDonanlds, and not stinky old bread. Chibi-Ranma could almost taste the cheeseburgers and chocolate thick shakes. His stomach protested at his imagination. In addition, someone or something heard him.

At that moment the most surprised person was not Sailor Pluto, who watched her time gates turn orange again as she was looking for 'The Brat,' or Bast who felt a disturbance in her world and dropped the makeup palette she was holding, or the staff of the down town branch of Cairo's McDonalds, who found their shop a thousand km south and 3500 years in the past, or Ranma who found himself inside the air conditioned fast food outlet.

It was the angry hippo who had decided to stomp little Ranma and ran face first into a plastic replica of a seven foot clown.

Authors Note:

I am alive . . . ducks angry reviews. Short chapter, I know, but that is how this story will be. Okay this story will not be serious and Ranma will grow up with new powers and everything I want him to play and give Pluto some gray hairs.

I would like to thank everyone that has reviewed. Those reviews are great and overwhelming. Please tell me what you think and keep it up, or this story may be updated as often as Spirit Hunter, which I will update. I promise. Ignore the crossed fingers behind my back.

Please review, even if it is to question my sanity, it's all fodder for a story some how.


	4. Bored

Ranma's Horrible Histories

Disclaimer: If I had a lawyer they would probably tell me that I don't own Ranma ½ or any other anime, T.V show, cartoon, comic, manga, or book character that may appear in my story. What I do own is the latest Terry Pratchett book 'Thud!' Good but I like 'Monstrous Regiment' better.

Authors Note: Pre-read by the splendid magnificence that is Hiryo . . . . He pays me to say that.

_Chapter Four_

**Bored**

'Never work with small children or animals . . . _- said by any actor, teacher or fictional hero'_.

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Setsuna was frustrated and tired, she couldn't find anything on the bloody useless pile of scrap otherwise know as the Gates of Time, she swore that it was laughing at her. Screaming in frustration, she brought her spare staff around in a wide swing and bashed it over the gates.

"God damn piece of crap!"

Pluto's language has been going down hill rapidly since Ranma's appearance. With this, the gates gave a spark, a sizzle, and a picture formed showing 'The Brat.'

Pluto leapt to her feet and pumped an arm in the air.

"Oh yeah, who's the greatest."

Then she did a little dance in front of the gates of time. Something she called her 'Happy Dance.' Whirling her arms in the air, she grinned at the information she had just gathered, whereby the Gates of Time had calmed down after turning orange again.

'The Brat' was in Egypt, in particular Ancient Egypt, and to pin it down even more he was there during the reign of Hatshepsut. She was so cool. If she could, she would have sent herself back in time five minutes ago, so she could pat her self on the back. 'Now I have found the little pest. All I have to do now is track him down, which shouldn't be that hard. Because, following the trail of disaster and destruction of 'The Brat' will be a walk in the park and then I will squish him like the annoying insect he is. I hope that I can get this all done retrieving my original Staff and be back in time for Happy Hour.' Continuing singing to herself Pluto went to work.

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Meanwhile in another dimension Bast picked up the makeup palette and stared at the design of hippos around the edge.

"No, I don't think it's really me."

The cowering shop assistant shook in fright and rushed to fetch another while wondering whom they were serving. The temple priestess who lay nearly buried underneath a pile of clothes and other objects had stopped trembling an hour ago whereby she had descended into Shock.

From out of nowhere a bouncy little tune sounded. The girl watched as Bast put the Palette down again and seemingly out of thin air she produced a shinny square silver plate, which she began to tap with one long nailed finger. The shop assistant rushed back with a new makeup palette, this time bronze and etched with ibises. Bast looked up from the silver plate and smiled.

"Oh don't worry I've been paged. Ciao."

With that, the terrified shop assistant and priestess watched the Goddess disappeared. Slowly fading until all that was left was her cat like grin. Suddenly she popped back and grabbed her shopping from the bewildered girl.

"Oh nearly forgot that."

And she disappeared with no theatrics this time, except for perfumed puff of smoke. Okay I guess that is kind of theatrical so sue me she's a Goddess it's in her contract.

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The staff of Ancient Egypt's only McDonalds stared at the small child leaving the store and peered out the large glass windows at the smashed remains of their Ronald statue and the hippo that seemed to have fallen asleep on the dismembered head of the larger than life size model of the world's most famous fast food symbol. Ranma was happy. He was so full of additives and man made chemical byproducts he could hardly walk.

This was an exciting adventure and he couldn't wait to tell his Pop about all the fun he was having. The hippo had scratched its back on the remains of the fiberglass figure and then had fallen into an exhausted sleep. This Hippo now was prodded awake by the Martial Artist in training and woke up to find the annoying little pest sitting once again upon its back.

"Hiya Babar. Good Elephant"

Ranma kicked his little heels into the plump gray hide of the pissed off Hippo. After trying to rub the annoyance of the remains of a shattered left leg that is a huge red shoe pointing skyward and failing, the hippo lumbered off down the river valley to spread Ranma's trail of future village idiots and alcoholics.

The villagers who had first been frightened away from the market place by the 'little wizard' slowly crept back wary of the bright red and yellow thing that now sat where Fat Whaed's melon stall had been.

All that remained of the stall were a few sad and lonely melons lying littered across the ground. Fat Whaed who was not known for his patience gathered his meager courage and sidled up to the outlandish building. To find out if any of his produce could be saved and maybe still sold. A chest level pole now sat right where he had kept his secret stash of home brewed beer. He prodded it with a tentative finger, which did not drop off, nothing happened.

Gathering his courage, he began to demand restitution for his melons. Only to scream and run, his kilt flapping out behind him in his haste to get away from the talking post. Behind him, the magical post could be heard speaking again.

'Would you like fries with that?'

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Scatted behind Ranma on his wander through the Nile Valley his ride had trampled through, fields, over roads, and through the backyards of often occupied houses. Leaving behind him a trail of rapidly drunken men and skeptical women who wouldn't believe that a midget wizard and his pet Hippo had ate the clean washing.

Ranma was getting bored. Ranma, who by now you must realized has the attention span of a squirrel with ADD, began to sing. It had been fifteen minutes since he had eaten and he didn't have anything to do. So he started to sing his 'Bored Song' that he always sang to Genma whenever he had nothing to do and wanted some one to do something.

"I am so bored, bored, bored, bored, I am so bored, bored, bored, bored."

Repeat first verse ad finite. Or until something interesting happens. The song itself may be a reason for some of Genma's more amazingly stupid training plans after he had lived through an extended session of Ranma's 'Bored Song'.

The hippo was just lucky it couldn't understand his passenger, and found him annoying already. Suddenly Ranma stopped his singing and peered off into the distance. He had seen something moving that maybe could be interesting. Kicking his little heels into the hippo's sides, he shouted "Hiya, Hiya!" The Hippo ignored the little dynamo ignored him but changed direction and lumbered towards whatever poor devil had caught Ranma's attention.

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With a pop of perfumed air Bast appeared in front of the time warped McDonalds and stared. Then she stared some more. Finally, she pulled out the equivalent of a god's camera and took some photos. Muttering under her breath she put her camera way and grinned.

"Ha, I knew McDonalds would learn to time travel before Starbucks."

Happy that she had won a long held bet, Bast wondered how it had got there. The villagers by this point had run as far away as they could, and the staffs inside the McDonalds were cowering behind the deep fryer after someone said they had seen a hippo go through drive through.

Pluto had in the past ten minutes searched from the bottom of Upper Egypt to the top of Lower Egypt and had finally found the source of the disturbance. With a quick tap on the Gates of Time and a flash of light, she found herself outside a McDonalds and standing next to Bast. Who was surprised to see the Guardian of the Gates of Time. She had been betting on some one with a twisted sense of humor pulling off this trick and the Sailor Scout called Pluto had a staff wedged so firmly up her backside she often wondered whenever they meet how she was able to sit down.

Pluto on the other hand detested Bast and always had since the solstice party back in the Old Moon Kingdom when Bast had got her drunk and she had sleep with Bacchus, and Pan, and Sailor Mars then sung how she did it her way in front of the entire drunken court. Pluto had hated the cat goddess ever since. The two supernatural entities glared at each other over the shattered remains of Ronald. Setsuna peered down her nose at the Goddess.

"Look at what the cat dragged in."

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Authors Note

Well here is chapter four I have decided to move my fat arse this time and I will answer your reviews in appreciation for your comments from last chapter. As always, I am amazed at the response, and because of Hiryo's questions, I will say that this story will never become serious it will remain a comedy through and through.

Last chapter Hiryo pointed out that Babar a children's television show and book series may not be know to all. He was a talking elephant, who was king of the elephants. He lived in a castle with his family and was always thwarting the evil plans of the Rhinos in the kingdom next door. Ranma thinks the hippo is an elephant, so he calls him Babar. I have a weird sense of humor so what can I do about it?

Updates will occur when inspiration hits so if you would like an update please respond and inspire. Tell me where and when you want Ranma to go, and who you think he should meet.

Please review.


	5. Sphinx

**Ranma's Horrible Histories**

_Chapter Five_

_**Sphinx**_

Pre-read by Hiryo all bow before his shinning visage. _I take all major credit cards and currencies it **you**would liketo be flattered_.

_McDonalds it's not just a job it's a career opportunity. _

_- New Zealand McDonalds trainee handbook. _

Have you ever met some one who from the first words out of their mouth you have loathed. Not hated, because hate is only a short step away from love. But a person whom you wish the earth itself would open up and swallow. Everything they do and say only leads to a greater feeling of disgust for their person. Your skin crawls and your eyes itch at the mention of their name.

This feeling is very close but on a minor scale to what Setsuna felt for the Egyptian cat goddess Bast. The very sight of her shapely figure made the time-obsessed women's throat fill with bile in loathing.

On the other hand, Bast really didn't hate Setsuna in fact she felt sort of sad for, in her own words 'dried out old prune.' Everything she had done to the Sailor Scout had been in her mind just a way of making the immortal happy. At Setsuna's insistence, the only thing that would make her happy was Bast's slow and painful death involving sharp glass, a deep pit and giant hissing cockroaches, Bast on the other hand only though she was helping.

Bast who smiled at Pluto's insults turned to stare once again at the Fast Food restaurant smack dab in the middle of new Kingdom Egypt that brought a completely new meaning to the term anachronism.

"How did you manage to screw this one up Puu?" Bast asked the Guardian to the Gates of Time.

"What are you asking me that? I didn't do this. Some snot nosed little brat . . . umm I have no idea what happened." Pluto stopped her rage against Ranma before Bast found out that a six year old had somehow managed to steal her key to the Gates of Time, while she was standing there twiddling her thumbs.

"I was just in the neighborhood," Bast exclaimed, "well, universe anyway and I noticed this strange temporal anomaly and when it led straight to my old stomping ground . . . well I couldn't just let it go. Now you turn up,' the Guard Dog' of the Gates of Time. I think there may be a connection Puu." Bast was not going to beat around the bush, well not with Setsuna, who had a habit of trying to set her tail on fire if she stood still for too long.

The villagers who had not run when the brightly colored building had appeared, and who had also not run when the demon box had started talking were huddling quivering in their houses, at the manifestation of a goddess in their village. Though the only though going through Fat Whaed's head was if he could set up a shrine where his stall had been and how much he could charge for seeing a place a goddess had actually walked.

"Well Bast, it has been simply ages since I last saw you we really should stop meeting . . . at all." Setsuna was not going to explain her problems. And certainly not to the Goddess who had made fifty thousand meter tall holograms of her and Priapus and reflected them off the moon. Several cults had begun from just that event.

"If it's a gag of Loki, I like the imagination, but it does lack a certain notice me angle. If any of the tricksters had done this, they would have set it up so that everyone would notice, not just you and little old me. If a prank is played in the forest and no one is around to laugh, would it be still funny?"

Bast hmmed to herself and stared at the McDonalds trying to piece together the fading traces of magic which lingered around the temporal change.

Pluto who did not want to see the cat goddess discover that it was her Crystal staff, which had committed the deed, spoke quickly. "Well who knows but I think I may have seen Anubis passing through the ether as I entered this time stream."

"Hmm this really isn't his style. He's more into the rotting cadaver in the bathing house sort of thing. However, you never know . . . . I think he was quiet miffed when I told him that Lassie was never going to break up with Toto to go out with him." Bast laughed at her own joke and turned to face Pluto. "So you think you saw Anubis? Well time really isn't his thing. Nevertheless, who knows he could have changed his plot . . . . Wait a moment! I think I recognize that." Bast who had been trying to piece together the traces of spell work was starting to see a familiar pattern.

Pluto could feel a cold wind singing down her back as the cat goddess frowned and squinted sideways at the 21st century building. Pluto thought quickly and spoke fast. "I heard that there's a one off sale on Russian mink coat's in Constantinople" Setsuna knew the goddess had a yen for furry things, not just chasing them.

Bast's attention immediately turned away from the shop to Pluto. "Oh tell me when." Setsuna grinned it was so easy to distract the feline deity if you knew what to say.

"900 B.C.E green district, ask for Theo."

"Thanks, so much I was just thinking I needed a new coat." This coming from the being whose wardrobe took up the major land mass of three minor planets in a galaxy far, far, away. Suddenly the time streams were plucked like a giant bow and for all those who could notice the world shuddered around them.

"POP"

"What the hell was that?" Bast spat out as she stumbled sideways into an equally unbalanced Pluto.

Pluto who knew exactly what that was just closed her eyes and wished, 'I shouldn't have got up this millennium.'

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Ranma was bored he had been relatively entertained by the crowds of villagers who had tried to chase the two ton hippo out of the center of their mud brick villages. Only to have Ranma turn the gray beast around to ask them what they wanted and watch as the bulldozer, disguised as a small child and animal destroyed the rest of the village they hadn't destroyed in the first pass through.

Babar, 'the Hippo with an identity crisis,' that was the least to its worries. Was seriously considering just lying down and rolling over on the insect that kept biting its back. But everytime it tried to rub it off, the pest would poke it with a stick, it hurt.

At the moment, Ranma was heading towards the giant stone triangular building's he had been seeing for a while. 'Maybe those are castles, like in the stories wherever there are castles, there are dragons, and I always wanted to meet one of them.' Ranma began to wonder 'I could maybe exchange my elephant for a dragon . . . .' But as soon as he though this.

"Peep," he hugged the suicidal hippo. "I would never do that to you Babar." In the process nearly gouging out one of the animal's eyes with the pointy end of the staff.

Chibi-Ranma's thought process is better not understood. Genma still has nightmares from when Ranma watched a 'Stranger Danger' presentation at school followed closely by the movie 'Home Alone.' Later on in the evening he was convinced Genma was a home invader after he came home late one night during a bender and Genma was nearly castrated and beheaded by an out of control power tool combined with a bucket of paint and a gallon of Genma's best home brewed 110 sake. Genma carefully monitored Ranma's T.V watching from then on.

As Ranma drew closer to the stone figures, he could see that they made up a very funny looking statue the head was surrounded by a big hat but the body was a c. . .c .. .furry thing that went meow. Though, as he drew closer it didn't really look like a c . . . c . . . mouse eater. More like a big dog with a person's head. He wondered why some one would build a giant statue of that. The man must have really liked that hat.

Surrounding the statue was a frame of timber and a crowd of rapidly disappearing skirt wearing workers and priests. Having all spotted Ranma when he had been a good kilometer away, because it's pretty darn difficult to sneak up on anyone with a Hippo. Ranma wandered closer to the stone monuments and stared up at the white limestone pyramids and sphinx.

The hippo, which by this point was dying for a lie down in the shade, stumbled to a stop in the shadow of the statue and slumped down exhausted. Ranma, which's hyperactive energy could light New York for a week bounced off his run down pet and started to climb the monument the Garnet Rod, stuffed through the belt of his Gi, extending a good meter and a half above his little head.

Grasping the gaps between the stone tightly Ranma scrambled to the top of the Sphinx's head and from there he could see laid out before him thousands of mud bricks, Mastaba the tombs of the aristocracy which he had passed through to reach the statue.

Below him, his Hippo snorted and rolled over in its sleep onto its back all four stumpy legs sticking up in the air.

Ranma could se before him the majesty of the Nile, its water glowing sapphire in the afternoon sun, the irrigated fields green and lush, with palm trees dotting the landscape. It was a sight of Ancient Egypt that no human alive today has seen. Unfortunately, this is not what Ranma noticed in fact that he was staring down at Babar and his big pink belly. So being Ranma, he jumped . . . .

"POP"

When Setsuna and Bast each reached the sight of the temporal wave, Setsuna bit down on the golden crest of her replacement staff and groaned. Bast burst out laughing eager to find out who was wrecking havoc in her time. Before them, somehow a hippo was lying unconscious on the head of the sphinx snoring still asleep, and no Ranma.

Bast whipped a tear from her eye and kept laughing. Pluto just bit down harder on her staff. Suddenly the hippo began to slip and rolled like a sack of bowling balls down the front of the sphinx smashing its high patrician nose off as it fell. Both supernatural beings did not react in time to stop the destruction, but Bast though she may have sprained herself laughing when the hippo woke up on landing unhurt and stood up shaking its head.

Babar had no idea what had happened, the last thing he remembered was falling asleep, then he was falling now he had a sore back and the pest was gone. The only thing he saw in front of him was Pluto and Bast. Now who doesn't like to crush small squeaky things when they are angry and confused?

Omake by Hiryo:

#1

Babar, the Hippo with an identity crisis that was the least to its worries. It was seriously considering just lying down and rolling over on the insect that kept biting its back. But something was holding it back.

It could be because of the narrow way through the riverbed, it could be because there aren't any thorns near to give the pest as much pain as possible, or it could be because of the stick with the pointy side constantly hovers over a place where no foreign object should ever enter.

Authors Note

I did say I would reply to the reviews but I am now going to take advantage of the new review reply system, so if you are signed in I will reply.

I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I will keep you guessing on where Ranma will "POP" up next.

Please review.


	6. Oh Ranma Boy

**Ranma's Horrible Histories**

_Chapter Six_

**Oh Ranma Boy**

Pre-read by the patient Hiryo.

**Disclaimer:**

Ranma, Sailor Moon, other anime, and/or books that may be mentioned do not belong to me.

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot."

-- (Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic) --

Being an 'International Beast of Mystery' is hard work. Scaring drunken locals and sun crazed tourists while making sure that all camera footage is out of focus and blurry is hard work. Why the health plan is atrocious, there's no dental and have you seen the teeth of some of the creatures employed by the IBM? There was no paid leave and in seven hundred years the organization was known to have only allowed six sick days and those were issued to twenty operatives on the same day, till this day the Kraken still isn't speaking to the Yeti.

IBM was in place to control all the mystical, magical, mysterious and maniacal creatures. They considered it their job to keep control over the magic in the world and most operatives were quite proud of their achievements. So every twenty years a convention is held in Los Vegas, hell in Los Vegas they were the most ordinary ones there.

IBM considered itself a leading world 'evil power,' in fact; they had been listed on the international stock exchange for fifty years. Which not many people may realize is the most reliable way of discovering developing evil overlords. At present, they had a devious scheme fermenting, involving the Milk Marketing Board, cornering the international market for rhubarb and the Scottish Gas and Power Board. Soon they would gain control over Inverness and by next Tuesday the world.

Monsters, beasts, spawn, demons, imps, bogey men, Red Caps, fowl creatures, and foul creatures, oni, giants, vampires, werewolves, zombies, and Smurfs. The charter of the IBM covers all of the above. At the moment, a founding member of this organization was resting safely sleeping under the surface of the lake it had made its home for hundreds of years.

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A giant blue and green ball,

FOCUS.

A tiny little green island by the coast of a much larger green landmass,

FOCUS.

The top half of the island,

FOCUS.

A long thin stretch of dark blue water surrounded be tall dark green hills,

FOCUS.

A tiny boat sitting in the middle of the water, bobbing on a gentle current,

FOCUS.

A little man in a red shirt standing in front of several green faced passengers,

FOCUS.

A giant red nose,

BACKWARDS

"Hi! Welcome to Lachlan's Loch Ness Tours, I'm Matt and I'll be your tour guide today. Now I'll just tell you a little about this famous Loch. The Loch is 23 miles long and a mile in width and averages 600 ft in depth. It contains over 2 cubic miles of fresh water and has been the home for many years to its most famous inhabitant 'Nessie.'"

A small voice piped up from the back of the tour boat. "Why's it called Nessie? That's a silly name. If I had a Dragon I'd call it Bob."

The crowd of laughing tourists moved away from the small boy who had previously been hidden by the crowd. Wearing what looked on first sight as a very dirty white tracksuit, he peered intently at the red-faced tour guide. In one hand, the boy held a tall walking . . . stick? In fact, it looked like a prop from a bad sci-fi show.What boy wants to wander around holding a golden pole with a giant pink heart on top?

The tour guide who has made this speech three times a day six days a week, for twelve years just smiles woodenly at the child and continues with his speech ignoring the question. "The first sighting of our most famous resident was by St. Columba, in 565. Columba saved the life of a Pict, who was being supposedly attacked by the monster. But don't worry Nessie is not dangerous."

The small voice from before pops up again. "What's Pict? Is that someone who picks its nose a lot?"

Once again, the tour guide smiles but this time he laughs, 'Kids' and continues. "Now Nessie has been seen several times since she was blessed by our Saint. Ha, Ha, Ha. In fact, she has been seen several times through out the centuries. In the twentieth century, Mr. and Mrs. John Mackay first sighted her on May 22nd 1933. Later that year on August the 11th, A H. Palmer sighted it again. Finally, on 19 April 1934, a surgeon R. K. Wilson photographed our shy beast. You can see a reproduction of this and all the other famous pictures taken of our camera shy Nessie back at the museum."

"I'm bored. I want to see the monster, why can't I see the monster." The small piercing voice demands everyone's attention he had climbed up onto the edge of the boats rail.

The tourists looked around for the boy's parents, or maybe chaperone.

"I want to see the dragon."

The tour guide who had dealt with his fair share of whiny brats and their kids looked around the group. "It's not safe up there, can this boys chaperone please calm him down." There was a lack of rush to save the kid from his own doom. Actually now he thought about it, 'Where did he spring up? When I let everyone onto the boat I didn't think I saw him then.'

The boy was swinging the pole around his head as he balanced on the rail pointing it out across the water. "Where's the dragon? I wanted to see a dragon."

The guide quickly strode across the small deck of the tour boat. "Get down from there right now! It's dangerous, I am sure Nessie is out there right now and if you're quiet and good she'll let us see her."

Ranma peered out over the cold gray waters of the Loch and smiled. "Well if you won't let me see the dragon. I'll have to find it myself." And with that, he leapt over the side of the boat and sank like a sack of bricks.

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Meanwhile one furious, two confused supernatural beauties were resting from their rapid departure from a homicidal hippo.

"I live a good life. I am leading the world towards a glorious future, where all people will be equal. Admittedly there won't really be very many people, but they'll all be equal." Sighing she slumped back in to the comfy chair she had sitting in front of the time gates.

Perched on the end of Pluto's bed Bast was determinedly working the sand out of her fur, licking away the grit. "Well that was a . . . thipp . . . blast. But what . . . thipp . . . is going . . . thipp . . . on."

Setsuna dragged a ragged nailed hand back through her hair. "I don't know one second there was this child bouncing around the gates of time I turn around for one second and he's set off the time gates on puree."

"The great Pluto . . . thipp . . . lets a child get the better . . . thipp . . . of her. I have to tell . . . thipp . . . everyone."

Pluto brought her hand away from her forehead where she had been trying to rub the headache away. "Wait a moment, why are you here? I don't even like you."

Bast didn't look up from grooming her fur. "Because I'm . . . thipp . . . cute."

Pluto stared at the cat goddess and spoke with frustration. "That's not an answer."

**Authors note:**

Ranma wants a dragon. Most kids just want a puppy.

Yes, the chapter is short but that is what it is going to be.

Information for thischapter came from these web sites, just remember to take out the spaces if you want to find out more about Nessie and Loch Ness.

. Http / ww w. Nessie. Co. Uk /nessie /nessgeo .html

Http/ ww w. Crystalink s. Com/ lochness. html

For more information and a note on when I update check out my yahoo group, which can be found linked in my profile.

Thank you for the reviews, please continue. You won't like me when I'm grovelling.

Omake by Hiryo:

#2

What kid wants to wander around with a pole with a giant pink heart on top? The tour guide who has made this speech three times a day six days a week, for twelve years just smiles woodenly at the child and continues with his speech ignoring the question. "The first sighting of our most famous resident was by St. Columba, in 565. Columba saved the life of a Pict, who was being supposedly attacked by the monster. But don't worry Nessie is not dangerous."

The small voice from before pops up again. "What's Pict?"

A little tic develops on the tour guides left ear . . . remembrance to the child that tugged too much on it and now ticks every time when a child annoys him.

Tourist 1: "Yeah what is it? Is it somehow related with the naming of the extension of Apple Macintosh Picture Format?"

Tourist 2: "Really, that's a picture format? Did they save the Pict and in honor named the file format after that epic event?"

Now the tic of the tours guides left ear tics alternately in time with his right eyebrow.

Tourist 1: "I know . . . ."

Now the guide can't hold it back anymore, strongly gesticulating he shouts with a red head. "That is ALL WRONG! It's like this . . . yooouououououuuu . . . ." and falls in like all the others but the boy with the 'stick.'

This one jumps from one head to the next, dipping those beneath the surface. At the side of the boat, he looked at all those wet people. "Heh, looks like fun! I wish that it would be a little colder, in this heat a cold dipping would be great." With that, he springs headfirst into the Loch. Not noticing the little ice cubes, or even those giant ice mountains with the odd penguin, floating next to them, that now decorates the Loch.

#3

The boy was swinging the pole around his head as he balanced on the rail pointing it out across the water. "Where's the dragon? I wanted to see a dragon."

The guide quickly strode across the small deck of the tour boat. "Get down from there right now! It's dangerous, I am sure Nessie is out there right now and if you're quiet and good she'll let us see her."

"Wanna have a dragon . . ." As his arms pump up and down the 'stick' touches the lake . . . not soon after that, a portal in a far away sea opens.

Out of the portal comes a long haired blonde woman in a priest garb . . . that flies currently a few moments where one can hear her screams ". . . LOOOOOOOOOOS I'll get you!" then falls down into the Loch . . . wet like a fish she swims towards the boat . . . hindered and struggling in her dress. After that, she comes to the boat where she hears the boy with the 'stick' saying something.

"Man, once you want a great dragon and all you get is a stuck up woman that can't swim right . . . ."

The woman's eyes suddenly burn red as well, a golden light envelops her only that light grows bigger, and at last, she becomes a golden dragon!

"Wooooaa . . . can I name you Bob or Sunny?" asks the boy curiously.

That got Filia gear really running, "ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!"

In the background, a head rises out of the sea. "Can't one sleep here peace?"


	7. Pink is the New Black

**Ranma's Horrible Histories**

_Chapter Seven_

Pink is the New Black

Hiryo; as always wonderful.

**Disclaimer:**

Ect. etc. ect . . . .

Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.

Imagine that you did not clean your room for a year, then times that by 1000, hold a small nuclear war in your wardrobe, then try to create life anew with the half-eaten food festering under your bed. Let a small herd of goats live off the mold growing on your under pants and hamsters have made a nest in your walls. Then maybe, just maybe, you won't have the slightest clue about how bad Nessie's cave was. This is a creature that has not cleaned up after himself since Richard, thought he would show the Sacrens what for.

Species had evolved formed a rudimentary agricultural civilization and had subsequently been wiped out all within his dirty laundry pile. In fact, if he even tried to wash any of his dirty skids they would probably fight back. An evil half eaten sausage that had fallen behind the couch back when Constantine thought Christianity was a swell idea, it had been planning global domination until Nessie got peckish and ate it as a midnight snack.

But as with all slobs, Nessie was comfortable in his filth he cherished it and had been growing his own breakfast mushrooms on his bed sheets. Just as Ranma was making a swan dive into the murky depths of Loch Ness, Nessie was enjoying a little nap. In fact, he had been enjoying his nap since the Battle of Britain.

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If you hold your breath and swallow, you can last for at least two minutes; longer than that and you start to see pretty lights. That is if you are a normal human. Ranma is hardly normal and some would question the human part. Above his head, a frantic tour guide thought of the civil suit he was probably facing and various tourists kept taking photos. While they talked about how someone should really dive in, and save the strange boy.

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Ranma sank, the weight of his staff dragging him down. So he watched the boats hull disappear above his head until the murk of the water covered it. No stranger to ice cold water Ranma clutched the staff and began to dog paddle back to the surface except the staff kept pulling him down.

As his little cheeks puffed out like marshmallows, Ranma could see black sparks in front of his eyes. Tighter and tighter, he pressed his lips together as he sunk deeper and the air left his brain. Slowly the Staff of Time began to glow. A little used function that Sailor Pluto had installed back when she was afraid of the dark. The soft pink glow did not help Ranma much that was until he started to notice that the burning in his little chest was going away and he didn't feel like in his face was going to explode. The staff was helping him breath under water, this was the best poking stick he had ever had.

He wasn't going to let Genma wedge this through a hotel door so an angry mob doesn't stone them to near death; which can be much nastier than actual death. The underwater world began to light up for Ranma unfortunately for him it was pink and if he could have talked the words. "Eww girly," could have been heard as he kept sinking down.

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Nessie rolled over; unknowingly crushing an ambassador from the tribe of cockroaches that had evolved under his bed who was traveling to the other tribe of cockroaches that had settled in Nessie's bedside cabinet. Thus, a battle was not stopped and led to a war ending in the extinction of both tribes. Who would evolved to form a culture than would have been famous for it's decorative woodcarving.

Nessie snorted in his sleep and scratched his scaly arse with a clawed hand. Something was trying to pierce the thick fog of his sleep. Nessie opened one sleep-crusted eye and winced at the light; slowly he scrapped his tongue against his front teeth and woke up.

Erie green lights began to flicker and shine illuminating the cave of the Loch Ness monster. Crawling up on to his feet Nessie squinted and slammed his fist hard against one of the lights and it broke out into a more normal yellow glow; the rest joined it.

Now the cave can be seen. Nessie's room was a small alcove off from the aircraft sized room that held everything else; everything else being the vast towers of used bottles and empty pizza boxes that nearly reached the roof. Monsters like Pizza too.

Brushing a path through a century of dust and grime, he grabbed a half-full bottle of something yellow and glowing, gargled and swallowed. Leaning against a wall spider webs strung from its corners a mirror its silver back black with age. If you stared at the age spots, like a magic eye picture you began to see a face form. It was a pinched and angry face. Like a man that had been told his dog ate his winning lottery ticket, then it was run over by his ex-wife.

Pushing aside a pile of crumpled boat masts Nessie peered into the mirror and shuddered. When the gods had been handing out good looks he had definitely been hiding behind the door making dirty jokes about how fat they looked in their long white robes. The foggy quality of the mirror did not help matters.

Someone's voice high pitched and sharp began to speak. "Arrgghh, get it away get it away, my eye's my eyes!"

Nessie grunted intelligible and the mirror replied, "I don't need eyes, and your ugly mug is the last thing I want to see in the morning."

Grumbling some more, Nessie snorted at the mirror spreading grey monster snot everywhere. "That's just great, Now what's my girl friend going to think?"

A noise like a cat being feed into a waste disposal unit echoed in the cave. "What do you have to laugh about? You haven't had a girlfriend since the Cretaceous period."

With a grunt from Nessie, the mirror coughed and spluttered, "Just because she doesn't know I'm watching her does not make me a stalker."

Again, the cat was forced into the waste disposal until Nessie noticed a pink glow begin to issue from the entry pool out into the Loch.

"Oh that ain't good." The mirror spoke up.

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Ranma had discovered that if he wrapped both of his legs around his poking stick and pointed the glowing end behind him, he could use the pink light to push himself through the water. After a few false starts, some very traumatized fish and another tourist boat seeing red bubbles rise to the surface of the loch; Ranma was getting a handle on his new ride.

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Squinting the monster winced as Ranma plowed into the underwater shelf sending sand and grit up into the water to float away. He hadn't quite worked out all the bugs yet. Shaking his head, Chibi-Ranma speed out of the cloud of mud to chase an unfortunate trout that had been curious of the new fish. Nessie didn't think he had ever seen that look on a fishes face before. "That thing's got to be pumping out at least 500 miliquams a second; maybe 700."

A quam is the measurable amount of magic needed to pull a white rabbit out of a top hat.

Grunting Nessie scowled "With all that raw magic we're going to have Pixies everywhere before sunset."

It is a well know fact that magic breeds magic. Let us say that theoretically; one person is affected by a curse. The magic, which keeps the curse active, would generate more magic, and so the cursed people would themselves become more cursed. With a giant snow-ball affect occuring until the source of magic is removed.

In the Loch this much magic was going to bring all sorts of magical creatures out of the wood work, they wouldn't be able to move for the selkie, water horses and nymphs and everyone knew that once you got nymphos you could never get rid of them. The mirror stopped the image as Ranma plowed through water-weeds, the staff held tightly in his arms. "Hey, does that thing look familiar?"

Nessie ignored him as he crashed through his piles of rubbish and dove into the Loch. If selkies got in the whole Loch would smell of wet dog.

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Dozens of small tourist boats, fishing excursionist and locals stared out across the loch in puzzlement as at first the water began to bubble around a distant tourist launch then started to turn pink, spreading out from the center from the water's local point. Locals standing on the edge of the Loch just nodded sagely and pointed towards the bubblegum pink water. They knew something like this was going to happen, 'Goddamn tourists.'

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Whizzing through the water Ranma was having a whale of a time, scaring the b'jesus out of any creature that crossed his path. Any thought of dragons and the fact that he was 60 meters under the water not entering his mind. Just as he was trying to sneak up on a placidly swimming salmon, he saw a big green shape sliding through the water ahead. Vaguely remembering some of the tour guides' speech Ranma pushes the staff hard and speed past the shattered salmon and straight towards Nessie, leaving pink bubbles behind.

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It wasn't difficult to find the source of the magical pollution the spreading cloud of pink water and magical fish that kept trying to grant him wishes gave it away. The child and the magical artifact he had seen in his mirror were just ahead, when he noticed the boy was coming right for him and building up speed. Paddling frantically Nessie tried to sweep into a turn but the kid was moving too fast. Cursing he back peddled in a last attempt to duck and avoid the boy but it wasn't working.

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Bottom lip bit between his teeth Ranma made buzzing noises imitating the sound of a car. The sight of Nessie got clearer and he could see it's long green body, small head and little paddle like arms waving frantically as he tried to get away from Ranma. Sticking close to the staff Ranma stuck an arm out and waved back. He was friendly, let's just hope neither bite.

Slamming face first into the monster's lime green belly, Ranma bounced back and lost grip of the staff. Instantly he could not breathe and began gulping floundering wildly in the water.

Nessie was pushed backwards by the force of the collision and watched the magic staff sink while the boy drowned. Snapping his head forward Nessie managed to snag the Staff only to drop it as an electric shock burnt his mouth. Ranma laughed and choked as blue sparks shot out of his poking stick. Sinking quickly both Ranma and the Key to the gates of time sank below Nessie.

Ranma counted the little blue sparks that were staining his vision as he tried desperately to swim. Suddenly the monster swept forward, snatched the back of his gi in its mouth, and dragged him within reach of his sinking poking stick. Ranma grabbed it and hung on tight as the loch Ness monster dragged them both through the water. They left a small trail of pink bubbles behind as Ranma was led through the water like a kitten until Nessie reached his cave.

Tossing the small boy out of the water, he crashed face first into a leaning tower of socks, Nessie's secret passion, as he can't actually wear them. Heaving himself out of the water Nessie smacked a webbed foot down on the staff. Neither looked behind them. As even though the staff had left the water, it was still stained pink and it was spreading.

Recovering quickly, Ranma scrambled out of the dirty laundry and bounced over to Nessie he slammed into its thick green neck and held on tight with both arms. Then let go quickly. "Eww you're all slimy . . . . Cool!"

Nessie would have blushed; he couldn't help it if he had mucous problems.

The mirror began screaming. "What are you doing, squish it squish it!"

Ranma began to explore Nessie's cave. "Wow, I'm hungry. Who are you? I wanted a dragon with wings, but you're slimy so that's cool." Standing on top of a swaying tower of pizza boxes Ranma kept talking. "I've never been in a dragon's cave before. Are you going to eat me?" Ranma didn't seem worried about this.

The mirror was still yelling. "What are you doing it's still pumping out magic."

Nessie grumbled.

"What? they're both magic. Well, kill it and break the pole."

The monster dragged the staff over to the mirror ignoring Ranma who was trying to pry the skeleton of a long extinct fish from beneath a pile of dirty washing.

Picking the staff up Nessie leant it against the mirror. "Oh, oh. I see. Bugger. It's wrapped in spells of protection. You could toss this thing into a volcano and it'd just turn up to give an archeologist a heart attack 2000 years later."

Ranma had gotten the skeleton out and was now humming as he ran around the cave holding it up in the air. "Dah da, dah DA TA TAH." Standing on a half rotten clump of waterweeds Ranma slid and sent the skeleton through the air where it ended up smashing into a dozen pieces on Nessie's head. Finally noticing what they were doing with his poking stick. "Pretty good stick aye?" Ranma asked as the skeleton clattered to the ground.

The mirror was laughing, "Do you think you could at least get rid of him?"

With a shake of his head, the rest of the skeleton hit the ground. "What do you mean they're connected!"

Somehow, Ranma had popped up in front of the mirror and had gotten a hold of the Staff of Time once again. "This is MY poking stick!"

Nessie grumbled as Ranma began to poke everything with in reach. "Can you think if a way to get rid of them?"

As he noticed that the mirror was talking Ranma began to poke the mirror.

Its gray silver surface began to spark. "Stop that, it tickles."

"How come no one's TV's works. It's not fair."

Sighing Nessie moved forward and sat on Chibi-Ranma immobilizing him as best as he could.

Clutching the staff still Ranma kept talking. "You're squishy, let me up, I want to get up. Do you have any food? Why is water blue, why isn't it orange? I'm so hungry. You smell funny, and not good funny but bad funny. You smell like wet dog and mushrooms . . . ."

Nessie tried to push down over the child's head but couldn't as the staff protect him from being crushed.

"Wait doesn't Shen Long owe you a favor. This has eastern magic all over it."

". . . and you smell like pigs, and rotten fish, and Pop."

Nessie's little black eye brightened up.

The Chinese dragon had gotten stinking drunk at an IBM meeting and slept with a couple of green haired Naiads only to wake up in the morning with a splitting headache and his wife knocking on the door. Luckily, Nessie had been in the room next door and had told her that he had seen Shen Long downstairs at the buffet before she could get into the room. Ever since the dragon had sworn that he owed Nessie. So he had given Nessie a portable door in case the monster ever wanted to visit.

Wrapping a webbed paw around the hyperactive child Nessie waddled over to a pile of metal objects, from human cutlery to strange things with springs and sprockets no one knew what they did.

Near the top, he pulled out a small cardboard roll and as Ranma kept talking, he slid a plastic sheet out of the cardboard roll and tossed it onto a section of the cave's wall. The sheet spread out and lay flat agains the wall. A door was now set into the cave wall.

"Push them through and let Shen Long deal with it."

Flinging the door open out on to an empty black space. Nessie gripped the back of Ranma's top with his mouth and flung him forward. But as the 'Poking Stick' passed through the magical door, the view of the other side turned orange, and a strange noise began to issue from teh open door.

"You're no fun I want food!"

With a minor explosion that sent Nessie back a few paces, the portable door snapped shut and dropped off the wall. Finally Nessie spoke "You're sure it's heading to Shen Long?" Receiving a nod from the mirror as best as a magic mirror can nod, Nessie mumbled, "Good, I just hope the little bugger hasn't done any damage."

The little pool out onto the lake was now filled to the rim with pink water, had begun to bubble.

On the surface of the Loch, the tourist guide began to cry as the water around the boat turned pink and his tour group kept taking photos. When he heard a splash out on the water, he turned and looked to see a green haired girl disappear beneath the waves. Screaming to himself, he buried his head in his hands.

**Authors Notes**

Still alive . . . .

Message me if you would like to know more and want to talk about my stories.

Please review; I am an unashamed review-whore and will write for praise.

**Omake by Hiryo:**

#1

Pushing aside a pile of crumpled boat masts Nessie peered into the mirror and shuddered. When the gods had been handing out good looks he had definitely been hiding behind the door making dirty jokes about the gods. The foggy quality of the mirror did not help.

Someone's voice high pitched and sharp began to speak. "Arrgghh, get it away get it away, my eye's my eyes!"

Nessie grunted, "I don't need eyes, and your ugly mug is the last thing I want to see in the morning."

Grumbling some more, Nessie snorted at the mirror spreading grey monster snot everywhere. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, where is my love today . . . ."

In the background, a rabid rabbit eat a werewolf. And yes people out there this cave was the starting point of many races, although many died here also . . . .

Now if possible the mirror gets even foggier nearly in a screeching tone like when you draw your nail across the blackboard the mirror replies. "H.e.r.e... sh.e... i..s.."

And lo and behold, Nessie gets to see in the mirror a cuckoo clock then the pictures moves down and there is Cologne taking a dump. "WIRRRRRRR . . . cuuckoooooooo cuuckoooooooo . . . ."

No this isn't the age I prefer and you know it. I want to see my true love.

"Cuuckoooooooo, cuuckoooooooo . . . ."

Again, the picture shift and now there is a wonderful lawn, on the other hand, is that one . . . ? Because the lawn is rather short and there are bricks around it . . . (Nightmare before Christmas music sounds.) The picture wanders again and we see the gravestone. It reads:

Here lies the one that bestowed a poor soul something to eat.

Here lies the one that seeks out possible fiends.

She herself wasn't one of the greatest.

Although she is a refined coal that you have a hard time to find.

A little bit down a scrawny handwriting is scratched below.

_My dear beloved witch _

_and may Snow-white rot in hell._

Sighing love bitten Nessie drives some maggots-look-alike creatures away from the toothpaste, which smelled like meat. "I'll come soon to you my dear . . . ."

The mirror can only gag. 'At least I only have to see this horror only every few centuries. Oooh, sweet Palpatine . . . even if you're old and saggy I still like you . . . ."

#2

On the surface of the Loch, the tourist guide began to cry as the water around the boat turned pink and his tour group kept taking photos. When he heard a splash out on the water, he turned and looked to see a green haired girl disappear beneath the waves. Screaming to himself, he buried his head in his hands.

SPLASH . . . SPLASH . . . SPLASH . . . SPLASH . . .

Looking up the tour guide doesn't believe his eyes there jumping one after another a queue of Water nymphs and one after another jumps into the pinkish lake of Loch.

SPLASH . . . SPLASH . . . SPLASH . . . SPLASH . . .

As he gazes nearer, he sees how they transform in the water to some pinkish dragon-like something. Then his eyes began to burn, he only saw black and before he could rest in the long deserved slumber of Morpheus, the tour guide heard.

"Papa, since when do some women jump in the pond or is that a game promotion for Lemmings?"


	8. Adam, Eve, and Ranma

**Ranma's Horrible Histories**

_Chapter Eight_

Adam, Eve, and Ranma

Pre-read by Hiryo.

**Disclaimer:**

Etc, etc, etc . . . .

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

When forming the dimensional pocket that sat around the 'Gates of Time,' words like homey, comfortable, domestic, and great re-sale value did not come up in the conversation when they really should have. If Setsuna had known she was going to spend 10,000 years camped out there she would have made damn sure, that it had a working bathroom, kitchen, and don't even ask about the plumbing.

If California ever learnt that she was the reason for all the power failures because she had been hacking into their power grid so she could watch Jeopardy, she would never be able to live it down.

At this point in, well not time let's say existence, Sailor Pluto was staring at her coffee machine.

It is a little known fact that coffee did not first come from earth, but is in fact a native plant of Mercury. Where because it is day most of the time, coffee was developed to stop half the population from killing the other when they woke them up early during their one chance in five hundred years to sleep in, only to tell them about the beautiful sunrise.

Right now Setsuna's coffee machine was making funny burbling noises and had turned her morning cup of coffee blue. She knew plugging the thing into the Gates of Time to power it hadn't been a good idea. Nevertheless, she needed her coffee. Without it, well let's say the Atlantis accident could have been prevented if they hadn't woken her up before her cup of Joe.

Disjointed thoughts and a furry mouth made Sailor Pluto stare at the coffee machine for a good ten minutes while it did not fix itself. A further ten minutes later and the coffee machine was still not working after she had thumped it with a hand. Another ten minutes later and parts of smoking coffee machine littered Setsuna's haphazard kitchen. "Damn it, now I have to go out,"

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From experience, Genma would tell you that Ranma suffered from motion sickness. He would explain that putting a small child in a device meant to teach full-grown adults the affect of g-force on the human body would only result in the child projectile vomiting and the banning of both the child and their good-looking father from the USA for ten years.

The magical portal Ranma was spinning through at this moment was passing in a blur in front of his eyes. "I wanna get off. I wanna get off." The only thing he could do was cling to his poking stick and ignore the cow that just had flown by. "I don't like this ride. I wanna get off."

Suddenly a giant suction force started to pull Ranma down the tunnel and a glowing green light spread out in front of him.

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Adam had been sulking for the past three thousand years. It was all that damn Lilith's fault, as soon as Eve had found out he had dated before they got married, all the woman did was whine about how he had cheated on her. How he never treated her right and why did he always have to hang out with the angles on Saturday nights when he should be at home snuggling with her. Snuggling for 'gods' sake, who snuggles.

Then there had been that whole thing with the kids, he told her they needed more discipline. She had said something along the lines of. "It's no wonder their father sleeps around so much. Of course they would end up as delinquents."

Then he had said. "If you weren't such a tight bitch then I wouldn't have to."

It had all gone down hill from there.

Some words were said that shouldn't have been, and he had stormed out of their house vowing to never return. When he had crawled back the next day to ask forgiveness, because he slept outside all night and caught a cold she was gone.

The dozy cow had left him, him the first man ever to stride this earth.

From then on, he had stayed in the house waiting for his wife to come crawling back to him. Waiting so he could rub her nose in the fact, she couldn't survive in the big bad world without him. It just so happened that the house was located in an out of the way place that would be called Antarctica.

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Being thrust and yanked through the glowing spinning portal Ranma's stomach was rolling like a ball in a bingo barrel. Clutching on tight to his poking stick he kept screaming. "Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop."

With a bone shuddering crash the light's suddenly stopped flashing and Ranma landed face first into snow.

Someone he couldn't see exclaimed. "Where did you come from?"

It felt like the world was spinning around him when Ranma opened his eyes so he shut them tight and groaned. "My tummy aches."

Adam had been watching the pitiful efforts of some humans to sneak up on him. When they had fired some sort of weapon at his ice fortress. He had had a lot of time to himself and the idea of an ice fortress had seemed like a good idea after watching Superman. Just as the green beam hit this boy appeared, with a green tinge to his skin and groaning. Walking up to the child Adam poked him with a foot, it groaned again. "I said where did you come from?"

Ranma still didn't feel good and now his mouth was feeling all funny and he could feel his tummy grumbling.

What happened next wasn't going to be pretty.

Miffed at being ignored Adam pushed his toes under the kid and turned him over only to be greeted with a face full of vomit. Adam exploded. "AARRRGGHH!"

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Captain Katsuragi who had been working with the others on piercing the plates of ice that surrounded Adam sighed and took a sip from a hip flask as they once again failed to get through.

If they had paid attention they would have noticed the sign written in ancient Hebrew telling all solicitors, double-glazing salesmen, and people bent on world conquest too bugger off.

"Dad, I'm cold. Dad you told me we were going to Hawaii. Dad, where's Mum? Dad, why are all the penguins looking at me funny?"

Katsuragi grit his teeth and wished his wife had not lost custody of their daughter Misato. It would be a blessing if the kid ever shut up.

Suddenly the latest weapon they had used on the ice worked and a giant ball of light began to build up above their target. The ground started to shake, panicking he ran through the camp back to the escape pod; they only had one. Giant mystical lasers that cut through ten kilometers thick ice aren't cheap.

When he reached his escape pod, he discovered Misato had clung to his jacket.

"Dad, what happened? Dad why did the mountain explode? Dad why are the penguins running away?"

He couldn't get the kid to let go. "Honey, why don't you go look for another escape pod? This one is Daddy's."

Turning around to shrug off his jacket the next thing he knew she had jumped in the pod and was pushing buttons. "Dad, what does the big red button do?"

With a 'whoosh' the pod's lid closed and Captain Katsuragi could only watch his beloved daughter escape in the only way out.

----------------------------------

And that's how second Impact happened . . . .

----------------------------------

Setsuna hated waiting in line. She considered it a torture that could be listed besides spending a long car trip with small children, and thumbscrews.

It was just a pity then that the Starbucks she had walked into had a line going out the door, this did not stop her from walking to the front of the line and pushing in front.

The coffee was calling her, the beans were all singing out to her in unison. "Drink us, drink us." All without the possible side affects those other drinks that do this have.

Surprisingly no one objected to her behavior.

"I want a double shot espresso."

Then she heard the four words that no one wants to hear. "Sorry, we're all out."

A cold wind swept through the store as Sailor Pluto threw her head back and screamed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Meanwhile a tiny voice in the back of her mind wondered if she was forgetting something.

**Authors Note:**

Random inspiration for this chapter. I wrote this while I was on holiday in Aussie visiting my family.


	9. Ladybird, Ladybird

**Ranma's Horrible Histories**

_Chapter Nine_

Ladybird, Ladybird

Pre-read by Hiryo.

**Disclaimer:**

Ranma 1/2 is not mine. Serenity/Firefly is not mine. They are both the intellectual property of other people, and I should be beaten with wet noodles, if I ever make money from this.

Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

A drifting asteroid had forced Serenity to stop in the middle of nowhere. They knew it was the middle of nowhere because Jayne told them and they had been waiting to reach Persephone for the past three weeks, ever since Kaylee had been forced to admit that the only thing keeping the engine going was spit and good wishes.

Jayne had big plans for his off time in Persephone that he would explain to anyone if they stood still for a sufficient amount of time, lucky enough the only one to be caught by him was Simon who had made his escape by explaining that he had to lance Mal's boils.

The crew was used to being stuck far away from inhabited space, and having to make do with their own entertainment. But, you can only play Pictionary so many times, before you want to drive the little hourglass through your partners' forehead.

"HHhhhhhuuu." Mal glanced up at the roof of his compartment and frowned.

With a click, someone opened his door and poked their head into his space. "Sir, I just wanted to ask if . . . ." Zoe stepped in.

"If you're talking about the noises, then yes I hear them too."

Zoe's eyebrows arched in surprise. "I have no idea what you're describing. I wanted to talk about Jayne. He's started building a fort down in the cargo bay from the old emergency ration tubs. He says he's not coming out until we reach Persephone."

Mal looked down at the screen he had been trying to read. "Well he ain't causing anyone harm, just leave him be for now."

Down in the cargo bay Jayne was stacking the last box into his fort. Next, he was going to borrow one of Kaylee's black shirts and make a flag. "Uuuuuunnnnnngg"

The scream echoed oddly in the empty space of the hold.

Jayne did not twitch he merely stepped into his fort and pulled the Plexiglas sheet that was its door behind him.

Above lying on a hanging walkway, River watched Jayne withdraw. When the scream filtered through the hold, she rolled over on to her back and smiled. Hiding in his room, from Jayne, who last time, as they had passed in the hallway had asked if it was possible to expire from prolonged abstinence, okay, that wasn't exactly what Jayne had said to him. In fact, it bore little resemblance to Jayne's declaration, that 'if he didn't get relief soon he believed his 'Little Jayne' was going to fall off from not getting any.'

Simon wished Jayne had never opened his mouth and was still trying to rid all images from his thoughts.

So as he was catalogued the ships medical supplies once again. "Ggggggrrrr." The shout made Simon drop the bottle he had been holding. Something green and smelling of iodine now covered the floor.

In the heart of the ship where the engine sat behind its protective doors, Kaylee was prodding the volt semi-meter, which was flickering like a Christmas light. Kaylee had spent a lot of time working on Serenity's engines. If it moved and could break, hell even if it wasn't supposed to break she had fixed it, changed it, and had to make do with cardboard and glue for a replacement.

At the moment, the engine, which she had slept next to for longer than she cared to remember, was not looking healthy. It had been making the strangest noises and it had forced her to tell the captain that they were going to have to stop so she could overhaul the engine.

The drifting asteroid was the perfect thing to stabiles their drift until she could figure out whether more spit and determination were needed or the engine was going to need to be pulled apart. A faint whisper could just be heard over the noise of the sick engine. "Huunnnggrryyy." Using a rag Kaylee worked at a bolt, which kept half the ship from freezing to death. Behind her, the engine's main shaft began to spit pink sparks.

Back in the cargo hold Jayne was peering out of his fort and checked for any attackers before popping his head back in.

After reading the same line for the fifth time, Mal put the screen down and stretched out his arms above his head.

With a wet 'splat,' Simon tossed a used cloth in the washing basket and cleaned up the mess.

Sitting in the Cockpit, River was prodding a row of lights that ran along the base of the view panel. When she saw a bolt of pink lightning crawl across the front view screens, she smiled and poked a red button which had for the last ten minutes been blinking urgently in a distressing manner.

"Someone's knocking we should open the door."

No one else could see the pink lights that were beginning to appear on the outside of the ship crawling over the metal frame like giant glowing worms.

It was hard to pick who was the most surprised Inarra who was enjoying her weekly pleasure of a hot jet shower, or Ranma who emerged through the roof of the shower in a rain of pink sparks.

----------------------------------

Pluto looked at the window display of the dress shop. Behind her she ignored the passing ambulances and police cars. Something was bugging her, after she had suitably punished the incompetent barrister who had denied her coffee and gave her a cup instead. She had wandered down the street but there was something nibbling on her consciousness.

"Oh the humanity!"

A screaming bystander ran down the pavement arms waving, his hair on fire.

Sipping her perfectly brewed espresso Pluto tried to catch the elusive thought. It had something to do with Hippo's, but that didn't feel right.

A passing journalist with his cameraman running behind ran in the opposite direction to the flaming bystander from earlier.

The hot coffee poured down her throat like liquid ambrosia, and she should know she use to brew the stuff. With a shake of her head Setsuna sighed if she couldn't remember it maybe, it wasn't important. She hated to think she was forgetting something important. More coffee that's what she needed.

**Authors Note:**

I have only seen a few episodes of Firefly and the movie, so I am depending on that trusty fact source Wikipedia, for some things.

If there is a real Firefly/Ranma crossover out there, I would be very interested in reading it.

Thanks

Phorcys


	10. Fly Away Home

**Ranma's Horrible Histories**

_Chapter Ten_

Fly Away Home

Pre-read by Hiryo.

**Disclaimer:**

Ranma 1/2 is not mine. Serenity/Firefly is not mine. They are both the intellectual property of other people, and I should be beaten with wet poodles, if I ever make money from this.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Ranma had been bouncing around the doomsday portal like a pea in a vacuum, and after vomiting several times, had reached the point of not having anything left in his stomach.

Face green and slightly singed from the last drop kick through a dimensional gate Ranma had closed his eyes and was holding on to his 'poking stick' with both arms and legs. So he didn't notice, when the key began to glow pink, again.

----------------------------------

In a wild tangle of limbs, Ranma landed with a thump on top of Inarra, who remained in stunned silence for all of three seconds, before the shouting started.

At the other end of Serenity, Mal who had finally gotten back into what he had been reading was wrenched away with more screams. Fortunately, these were the normal kind and didn't sound like they were coming from the walls.

In fact, they sounded a lot like Inarra. Grumbling to himself the captain went to investigate if Jayne had finally snapped, and to see if Inarra had finally been forced to kill him.

Zoe was the first to reach Inarra's rooms after the first outraged scream was heard. On entering she found a dripping Inarra wearing only a towel standing in the doorway to her bathroom breathing quickly. "Inarra, what's the matter?"

Dashing out of the doorway Inarra began searching frantically around her room. "It was here, I know it was here." Saying this she knelt down and began looking under her bed.

"Inarra what are you talking about?" Standing still for a moment Inarra closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"It was in here, 'Something,' it attacked me in the shower." Inarra sat down on the side of her bed.

Behind Zoe, Mal appeared. "Now Inarra I'm sure Jayne meant it."

Both women looked up at this. "What are you talking about?"

Mal looked around the room. "Jayne hasn't snapped and tried to you-know."

"No I don't know, and Jayne is not the cause of all this."

"Then what in tarnation is the goddamn matter."

Glancing back at her bathroom Inarra grimaced. "I think we have a stowaway."

----------------------------------

Hunkered down in his fort, Jayne was carefully cleaning his guns. He found the action soothing. It reminded him of his Mama, she always told him, when he was just an ankle biter to keep his gun clean and clip full.

Behind him, some one sneezed.

Jayne liked to think no one had noticed how the strange noises had been affecting him, so he was glad no one saw him jump and bring his shotgun around to face what ever was behind him.

Only to fall backwards as something was stuffed down the barrel and exploded in a puff of pink smoke. Through the cloud, Jayne thought he saw a grinning midget.

"You're a funny man."

At this, Jayne started shouting.

----------------------------------

When Mal reached the cargo hold, he found Jayne standing as far way from his fort as he could, staring at his favorite shotgun in stunned silence.

"Jayne what in hell is the matter with you?"

Jayne didn't look up from his gun. "I think we've got Gremlins."

"What are you talking about?"

"Ya know. All the old spacers know about them, they get on your ship pull it to pieces, and that's it your screwed."

"We do not have gremlins."

"Well how do you explain this?" With that, Jayne tossed his once favorite gun to Mal.

Catching it, Mal let it slip through his fingers, as the gun broke into a dozen pieces in his hands.

----------------------------------

It didn't take long for Mal to get everyone gathered around the table. All except Kaylee, who couldn't leave the engine alone after all the commotion, and River who seemed to have disappeared.

"It just appeared out of no where." Inarra had, had a chance to dress and was now holding a hot drink in two hands.

At the end of the table, Mal was going through the security records they had of Serenity's last planet fall.

"I just don't know how any one managed to get on board. There ain't nothin' here."

At the other end of the table, Zoe shook her head.

"Sir, it seems someone did get on board, no matter what the records say. What I want to know how they've managed to hide on the ship for so long."

"We've got Gremlins."

The rest of the crew turned to stare at Jayne who was sitting holed up in the corner, his next favorite pistol clutched in one hand. Mal hadn't let him bring his grenades.

"I damn well told ya, we ain't got no Gremlins."

Simon was the first to speak, after this. "What are Gremlins?"

"They ain't nothin . . . ." Mal was interrupted.

"Crazy little bastards, they get on your ship and rip the innards out." With that, Jayne's eyes did not stop scanning the room.

"What do these, 'Gremlins' look like?" Simon looked at Jayne in interest, of his 'theory.'

"Now you don't go encouraging him. It was just some goddamn stowaway that just tried to sneak a peak at Inarra, not that I don't blame them for trying that."

"Mal!"

"They probably just fell through a weak spot and while you were distracted, got away. Jayne's just got a touch of space fever."

"I tell ya we've got Gremlins."

"Is any one going to mention the noises?" Inarra looked at the others sitting around the table.

"I wasn't gonna a say nothin unless someone else brought it up." Jayne muttered.

"There may nave been some strange sounds, I could have heard." Simon was resistant to being the next to admit that he heard voices.

"I didn't want to mention this, but I have been hearing something that at first I though may be metal fatigue."

"So what we seem to have here is someone has snuck on board and is in hiding. Now what we've to do is smoke them out."

Feeling like an earthquake Serenity shuddered, sending Jayne and Simon, who had been the only two standing, tumbling down.

"Kaylee." Someone cried.

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After sending Zoe to the meeting with a waved hand, Kaylee pulled up her sleeves and got stuck back into the engine's whatchamacallit.

Whatever that light had been had caused the thingamajig, to fuse to the shaft of the whatchamacallit. It wasn't easy being the mechanic on Serenity.

Focused on this, she didn't notice the small form creep into the tight fit engine room.

"I'm hungry. I like milk. Do you have milk? I want milk!" At the sound of a small child whining behind her while she was up to her elbows in whatsthis, Kaylee jerked and something that should have stayed in one piece broke.

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By the time Zoe and Simon had reached the engine room, the stowaway was long gone and Kaylee was fixing the whatsthis with the twenty seventh century's version of duct tape.

"What ya all lookin' at, it went that way." Head still stuck in the engine casing she poked an arm towards the front of the ship. As they left Kaylee sighed, whatever that had been strangely she though it had sounded kinda cute, but very annoying.

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In the Cockpit Mal, stumbled to a halt in the doorway as he saw grinning River sitting at the helm, with what looked like a small dirty child sitting on her lap poking the ships buttons.

"Poke, poke, poke . . . ." River's firm hand kept the child from bouncing off her lap.

Behind Mal, Jayne and Inarra peered over his shoulders.

"See I told ya, a Gremlin." River turned to face them.

"He followed me home. Can I keep him?"

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It was the hard decisions in life that make the difference. There were times in everyone's life when you will have to say yes or no, and from that moment on your life will never be the same again.

When it would be so easy to just throw caution to the wind and not care. She had never taken her choices lightly. Biting her lip Setsuna peered up at the blackboard and sighed. "I'll have a triple espresso don't stint on the caffeine."

**Authors Note:**

I'm surprised too, the same story updated in less than three months. I think I need to have a drink to get over the surprise.


	11. House is on Fire

**Ranma's Horrible Histories**

_Chapter Eleven_

**House is on Fire**

Pre-read by Hiryo.

**Disclaimer:**

Ranma 1/2 is not mine. Serenity/Firefly is not mine. They are both the intellectual property of other people, and I should be beaten with bowls of custard, if I ever make money from this.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

"What the hell is that?" Mal stared in shock at the boy who had crawled out of River's lap and was poking the buttons that made sure Serenity didn't go 'boom.'

"Stop that you little brat." Jayne grinned.

"See I told ya, it's a Gremlin."

"That's not a Gremlin it's a child." River had swung around to watch the boy's antics.

"Can I keep him? I'll remember to feed him and brush his coat."

Mal stared at River, "Just what in goddamn hell are you talkin' about?" Coming to a halt in front of him, the child looked up as Mal had to look down.

"Hi, my names Ranma. Who are you? Did the wind change? Cause my Mum said that if the wind changes your face stays that way."

"Why you . . . ." Mal didn't get a chance to say anymore.

The boy bounced over to Jayne. "You're big!"

Jayne grinned, but before he could come up with a witty comeback, Inarra interrupted. "Don't you dare." Kneeling down she tried to look the child in the eyes.

"Where did you come from little one?"

"Why do you adults keep asking stupid questions? Don't any of you know?" He shook his head. "When a Mummy and a Daddy get really drunk and . . . ."

"No, that's not what I meant. How did you get on Serenity?"

"What's Serenity? I don't know. How did you? You smell pretty." Before anyone could stop him, Ranma was back over by Jayne.

"Why are your eggs green?"

"What! No they're not, eggs, well they're white, not green," Jayne spoke with befuddlement.

"Or orange" River added.

"Or orange, but very rarely green."

"Why?" Ranma was standing next to Mal again and was leaning against his leg.

"He has green eggs see." Putting the hand out, that was not holding the gold staff with the frigging great pink heart on top, that no one had had the guts to mention in case they were the only one that could see it.

In his little hand was a whopping great stun grenade, safety off and figuratively ticking. "Oh sh . . . ." Grabbing at the boy Mal missed but got the grenade before its ignition.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm six and I like Pizza. Do you have Pizza? I like Pizza with cheese. Does your Pizza have cheese? Cheese tastes good. I smell Pizza."

With that, the child dashed past Mal, between Jayne's legs and was away down the hall, leaving all but River gazing in shock after him. River herself was back to watching the monitor, that showed an exterior shot of the ship, were pink tendrils of lightning were beginning to trace the edges of the ship

"But I never got to have a pet."

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Down in the kitchen Simon and Zoe had stopped to make themselves lunch. It was just the thing the doctor ordered. As soon as the micro oven 'pinged' and Simon opened the door, aromatically waves of cheesy goodness swept through the air.

Hot Pizza balanced in one hand Simon said Good-bye to Zoe who had sat down, and made his way back to his room, he still had an office to clean up. Hopefully, nothing unexpected was going to interrupt the rest of his day.

Ranma is like a Shark, who can smell a drop of blood in a mile of open water. What Ranma could do, was the same thing with Pizza, Curry, Melon bread, Soba noodles, Ramen, Miso Soup, Bacon, Tempura, and Sukiyaki, actually anything considered edible by most cultures, and several that are not can all be tracked by Ranma's keen Martial Arts nose, it's genetic.

When the rest of the crew found Simon following Ranma, the first they saw was that he was huddled in a corner. It looked like some one had chewed on his leather loafers and he had his arms wrapped over his head.

"Doc, you all right?" Mal was the first to reach him.

"Is it gone?" Peeking between his fingers the doctor peered out at his shipmates.

"The bad toddlers all gone." Jayne smirked at Simon who slowly standing up, was dusting splattered cheese bits off his clothes.

"I don't know what happened. One moment I was walking down the hall the next." Shaking his head he sighed, the image of the creature eating his pizza would remain in his memory for the rest of his life.

"You don't like my new pet. I though I could keep him." The others turned to face River who had strolled along after them, when they had leaded the chase after her new pet.

"What are you talking about?" Standing next to River, Inarra questioned her.

"He doesn't mean any body, any harm."

"River!"

"He just likes to meet new people."

"And eat their shoes?"

"He really, likes to meet people."

"I just hope he's better house trained than Jayne."

"Hey, don't compare me to the Gremlin."

"I told ya before there ain't any Gremlins." Inarra stared at the broken remains of the plate Simon's pizza had been resting on.

"Where's Zoe?"

When they reached the kitchen, it was to find Zoe sitting at the table calmly eating her chewy, cheesy slice of Pizza. Rushing into the room, the group scrambled to a stop embarrassed that they hadn't discovered a shell shocked Zoe.

"Have ya seen a little Boy?" Walking further into the room Mal was the first to see the sleeping child resting in Zoe's lap.

"What the hell is that?"

"Shh, you'll wake him."

"Just what? How? When? Huh!" Jayne saw the sleeping child and made to grab him from Zoe's lap, only to be stopped by the rather large handgun nestled in his stomach.

"Well hell I wasn't gonna hurt the critter. Just wanted to see what it was. He doesn't look green I thought it'd be green." Disappointed that his Gremlin wasn't green and slathering, Jayne stepped back from Zoe and her gun and went to sit down.

"He's much cuter this way, and then dropping on your head when you're having a shower isn't he?"

Zoe chewed on a bite of pizza and swallowed before answering. "He must have been hiding since we were last at Persephone. All the noises must have been him."

"It mus'ta been him movin' through the air vents hunting his prey."

"Jayne this ain't a movie."

"What ever food he had hidden away, he must have finished and only now needed to come out."

"Why isn't he the most adorable thing you've seen? Now its mouth is shut."

"His name is Ranma, he's six. He lives with his Pop and at the moment is looking for a something to eat, b a dragon, c a really cool way to beat the snot out of people. I think that's what he said he was speaking rather quickly." River who had been standing at the back of the group sighed.

The tuckered out miniature Martial Artist was sucking his thumb and snuggled into Zoe's lap. "How on Earth that was did the varmint survive so long without us finding him?"

"He say's that he was in a 'shinny whirly glowing hole.' I think he was staying near the engines." Watching Ranma carefully River saw the staff that Zoe had propped up next to her chair begin to glow.

"Well he is sort a cute, but that doesn't mean he can stay on board, who knows what mess he's made where ever he's been hiding."

Waking quickly Ranma's eyes first spotted Zoe's empty plate. With it's cheesy residue. "Pizza."

Zoe sighed. "Sorry fella all gone."

Ranma's mouth began to turn down. "I wanted Pizza."

"Sorry little guy but we don't have any more Pizza."

"No Pizza?"

"No Pizza."

"Really?"

"There is no pizza, here or anywhere on Serenity."

"Oh, no pizza."

Zoe nodded her head.

" Bye then." With that, Ranma disappeared.

"POP."

Pretty pink sparks were all that he left behind.

"I was going to call him Benjy and we were going to have exciting adventures, it's not fair."

----------------------------------

As caffeine made its way through Setsuna's brain, its busy little chemical reactions jolting her brain matter into movement, and Setsuna remembered.

"Bast used my shower as a litter box, damn her, damn her . . . no wait, not that. Ranma I will find you and when I do, your own mother won't be able to recognize you."

----------------------------------

"See I told ya it was a Gremlin."

"Jayne, shut up!"

**Author Note:**

Ranma's adventure with the crew of Serenity end for now. But, who knows he could return.


	12. And Your Children Are Alone

**Ranma's Horrible Histories**

_Chapter Twelve_

**And Your Children Are Alone**

Pre-read by Hiryo

**Disclaimer:**

I don't own either Ranma 1/2 or Hellsing, and if you think I do then I have this bridge I would like to sell you.

Some people hear voices . . . . Some see invisible people . . . . Others have no imagination whatsoever.

565 B.C.E

A cold wind made the water of the loch ruffle with white waves. Huts huddled on the edge of Loch Ness, close to their source of food and livelihood, smoke blowing out of their roofs the only sign that anyone was home. The people of the village were hiding, for the season.

Something had been crawling around the village eating their sheep, taping on the shutters, and strangely stealing all their copper pipes. It was a giant dragon, well that is what Douglas the Sheep Rustler said, and it wasn't just him.

Mary the dung collector said she saw some massive lizard crawling out of the water late in night, but then she said that mold was good for you and one-day people will stare at a box all day and read derivative works of popular writings.

Most of the villagers though she was eating some of her own pickings, however, after Pat the baker's cow was torn in half and left on the stone beach of the loch people started believing crazy Mary.

Col wasn't the village idiot, because he had got lost on his way to the interview, and had fallen into the village toilet, later when a brave villager had pushed him into the loch he claimed that he saw a puppy and wanted to rescue it. No one wanted to explain once again what the difference between rats and puppies were.

So, when the beast of the Loch had started wandering around the village he had taken it upon himself to protect the village. Nobody had argued they just made sure he wasn't given anything sharp and hoped he didn't get anyone else hurt.

The sky was lit with a full moon and every thing stood out in sharp relief. When Col had reached a spit that he passed out of sight of the village Colombus took a quick look around and got stuck into the grain alcohol he had been brewing for the past three month, with the runoff leading in to the Loch.

Col had carefully worked for months on his whiskey and he though the dead sheep gave it extra body. He was sorry about what happened to the baker's cow, but he didn't realize the stewing bran would make it explode.

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Pluto had traced the trail of magic and time distortions that the staff had left behind, once she had finished her coffee that is. After she had calmly thought about it, then had another cup of coffee she had remembered that her staff had a clapper on it.

The darkness was a nasty surprise, the overlooked product of the bakers late cow was another. "Well, that's just perfect these were brand new." Scraping her high-heeled pump against an exposed rock, she scowled. Looking around her she decided not to use her staff as a torch, she only had a general idea where she was.

Poking her tongue out Pluto licked her middle finger and stuck it up in the air. After a moment, she pointed towards what she thought was a lake and nodded to herself, "This, way."

----------------------------------

Taping the keg at the base of his still, Col poured off a thimble full, he had learnt that if anymore of the stuff touched the air at one time it had a habit of bursting into flames. He could still smell burning nose hair. Carefully he took a sip.

----------------------------------

Pluto was a busy women, she was single handily bringing about the destruction of 95 of the human population. Not to mention all the cute fluffy mammals those were going to perish when the Earth became covered in sheets of glacial ice too. It wasn't easy planning mass-multi-species genocide on a global scale.

Making sure George W Bush never signed the Kyoto Protocol and sabotaging Gore's political career wasn't easy. If Gore had risen to power, he would have bored the largest pollution, causing nation into believing in Global Warming soon enough to save the planet.

Luckily, she didn't think that the future Princess, that she had seen in the Gates of Time was ever going to ask where all the bunnies and kitties have gone. Just shove a cake large enough to block her view of the outside world and she didn't see any problems.

The traces of fading time magic were leading her towards a vast expanse of water she could see in between the trees. The footprints of the magic, which her 'Staff of Time' and the little brat were leaving behind, were wavering and faint but it was definitely coming from the lake in front of her. Concentrating on this she paid less attention to the world around her. She was just as surprised as the dirty human was when she stumbled out of the dark forest and straight into his still.

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Nessy was experiencing one of the first cases of industrial waste being dumped in natural a water supply. As a season of Col's still runoff had made it's way though the Loch's water system he had been feeling the effects and a constant hangover is never pleasant, especially when it lasts for three months. As he felt the effects of a strange and foreign magic touch the edges of his Loch he went into action.

Meanwhile in another place, time, and dimension . . . .

Pete had been delivering Pizza for nearly six months. Tonight he was working the late shift, and was on his last call out for the night. Just one more and he could go home and crash onto his bed. Nearing the township a place marker told him he was entering Westwyk. He almost missed the fact that someone had taken an axe to the sign and half of it was missing.

Slowing down to read the address on his order, he glanced down at the receipt. 'I. P. Freely.' "Just great, this is all I need." He muttered to himself. Most of the street was covered in darkness, as the streetlights were unlit.

Pulling up Pete picked up his mobile phone to make a call. Only to scream in terror as ghouls smashed through his passenger window.

The last thing Pete heard before he fainted was "Piiiizzzzaaa, oh sorry. I mean braainnss."

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On the other side of town, behind a police cordon the British armed forces were making their presence felt. When news of the town succumbing to ghouls reached the nearby police station, they knew what to do. Small British towns have drawn up survival plans for these sort of things, if it isn't ghouls, it demonic blonde children, aliens drawing graffiti in the paddocks, and other supernatural bothers. It was actually covered in many people's insurance policies when they moved to a quaint British village.

A captain of Her Majesty's Finest was trying to coordinate the canteen menu with the caterer when, a classic Rolls with a convoy of dark armored vehicles trailing behind it. They pushed their way through the tired soldiers who had already been called out to an attack of werewolves in a town in the Cotswold.

This time it had been a tour bus of American tourists all told not to go out on the 'Moors at Night' of course like sheep the first thing they do is wander off away from their tour guide on to the 'Moors at Night.' The locals wouldn't mind so much they knew better. Nevertheless, it was playing havoc with the local economies tourist trade. If they're dead, they can't buy picturesque, tea towels, oven mitts, and placemats.

The car pulled to a gentle stop next to the Captain, and Sir Integra Hellsing stepped out.

The Captain waved off the caterer. "Great you're here. Could you be quick Eastenders is on in an hour."

Planned speech interrupted Sir Integra took it in her stride and paid no attention to him. "You are not prepared to deal with this situation."

"Your right we're not."

"You are facing a vampire, a creature so vile; it should not dare tread upon these shores."

"Vampire, you don't say."

"Only we the most holy order of the Royal Protestant Knights can deal with this vampire and his ghouls."

"But isn't the Queen Anglican, you know Church of England?"

"I have sent one of my men in to deal with this problem."

"Just one? Well if you think that will work, go for it."

Puffing on her cigar Sir Integra turned on her heel, and slid back into her car to wait for Alucard's return.

The Captain sighed. These muckity mucks came in and took over everything, well bully for them, less chance he or any of his own men got munched on by unholy beasts from the depths of mankind's nightmares or small children who could kill them with their brains.

**Author Note:**

Now he's in Hellsing, but he has Pizza and that's the important thing.


	13. Another Stupid Chapter

**Ranma's Horrible Histories**

_Chapter Thirteen_

**Another Stupid Chapter**

Pre-read by Hiryo

**Disclaimer:**

I don't own many things in life that I think I should own.

_It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others._

All small furry animals had fled the forest long ago. The only noise in the heavy woodland that surrounded the doomed village was the occasional moan as the ghouls discovered that trees couldn't be eaten.

It hasn't been discussed before about what goes through a ghouls mind on meeting Alucard for the first time. For all we know screaming and charging head first, arms outstretched could be their idea of a handshake.

But typically, what goes through a ghouls mind on meeting Alucard is the ghouls own nose.

With a grin that split his face in two the vampire strolled peacefully through the forest and for once in his unholy life he was completely unaware of the shit that was about to hit the fan.

_On the other side of the village_

After the Pizza delivery guy had woken up and ran screaming out of town Ranma investigated what happened when you poked ghouls with his stick.

Ranma had discovered that they made interesting squishy noises and tried to bite your face off. Thwarted from their yummy minimum wage snack the vampire's minions had attempted to feast on their tagalong.

Chibi-Ranma after one too many late night horror films viewed in cheap motels, knew how the 'zombie story' intend to go. Zombies are meant to be slow; they stumble along with their arms outstretched as if they were going to hug you before they ate your brains.

They are meant to groan and moan, not run fast and have a mouth full of teeth to make a vampire Pomeranian jealous. And they shouldn't be able to open doors, the only way a zombie should enter a room is through a wall.

When Ranma had popped into this universe the first thing he had seen were the ghouls attacking the car. So he joined in. What little boy hasn't dreamed of going on an unholy rampage with hordes of the undead?

Bouncing over the ghouls heads, he joined in the moans until he spotted the pizza. He made sure the nice man, with the pizza had escaped. Making sure the delivery guy would only need 10 years of therapy over being dead, which is so much more final. Leaving Ranma perched in a tree to enjoy his cheesy treat.

The head vampire Dennis had set himself up in the village's town hall, which before he had attacked had been holding a meeting of the local Dahlia Society. So instead of the legions of sultry vampire succubae he had imagined controlling, he now had twenty middle aged slightly overweight smutty ghouls.

It just didn't meet his high expectations. The tight leather under things he had brought in advance when he had learned of his mission to posses a town, just didn't look the same on the Dahlia society members and their middle-aged bodies.

Dennis, had been told that he was going to 'play an important role' in the eventual conquest of England. He didn't question exactly why they wanted to start in a small country town. That was why they were the boss and he was a mindless drone fit only to bring death, pestilence, and annoyance.

----------------------------------

In fact, back at the local evil headquarters there was a celebration going on as they had finally gotten rid of Dennis.

----------------------------------

During his briefing where he hadn't actually been paying that much attention to because he had been imagining his sultry female slaves. He had missed the whole section detailing Hellsing and how, if they turned up he could kiss his arse good-bye.

From the town hall, he had worked to turn the entire village into his mindless army of the undead. Finally fulfilling a childhood dream, he had had since watching 'Dawn of the Dead.'

When a ghoul stumbled through the open doors of the town hall dragging half his intestines behind him in a bloody trail he swore. "What the hell 'ave you been up to?"

"Grhgh." The ghoul groaned.

"What do you mean fifty ninja's?"

The ghoul held his arms out wide. "Grrgh."

"All built like rugby players."

The ghoul nodded. "Glarrg."

"And they had chain saws." Even undead minions will try to cover their own arses. "Right, you get back out there you rip their heads off then and spit down the hole."

Dennis had heard this threat on television once and had been waiting 'till now to use it.

"Grrgghh." Head hung low the ghoul went back out into the night. In the rotting remains of its brains, a tiny spark of self-preservation began to cry.

----------------------------------

Laughing gaily as he made another ghouls insides, outsides. Alucard smiled up at the sky, the moon was high there were leeches to kill, and he had three full clips ready for the Jackal.

Raising his arm negligible, he took aim at a bobbing shadow in the distance. And only just adjusted his aim when it started talking.

"Get your own, ya puss filled maggot sack." A high-pitched child's voice echoing between the forests trees.

Ranma had been around Genma for most of his life, you could blame him for his language because surely Nodoka will.

Alucard was surprised something was still alive in the leech infested town.

With a grin that split his face in half and showed a mouth filled with razor sharp teeth Alucard came into view of the screaming child. Who was surprisingly still alive. Perched on a tall branch he had thrown pinecones down at any zombies who got too close as he enjoyed his 'cheesy goodness.'

But these weren't the good old-fashioned 'Day of the Dead' zombies, no these were more like the nasty smart 'Dawn of the Dead' remake zombies.

The smart ones.

So when they stopped clawing at the base of the tree and started climbing the lower branches Ranma wasn't happy. All he wanted to do was enjoy his Pizza. After all the strange people he had annoyed and places he had destroyed, was it too much to ask.

Gulping down the last of his pizza Chibi-Ranma pulled his staff out from where he had wedged it and beat the grasping fingers of the ghouls that were climbing. At each whack, the staff sparked with pink lights and left a smell of burnt flesh.

As he smacked at a persistent ghoul's fingers, as its head exploded sending bone and rotting brain matter all over the mini-martial artist. Ranma froze as gray matter slid down his face and made his already filthy white gi filthier.

His eyes wide he watched as Alucard stalked through the trees the Jackal smoking, his red trench coat whipping around him in its own wind. Moonlight shone off his white teeth. A bright glitter filled Ranma's eyes.

As Alucard stopped at the base of the tree and looked right up into his eyes.

"Cool!"

Alucard's grin widened at the bloody child's exclamation.

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Dennis watched one of his undead women dance and frowned it just wasn't what he had imagined back at evil bad guy school. He thought his evil succubus wouldn't be old enough to collect a pension. Waving a hand to stop the ghoul he sighed. It wasn't easy being a member of a mysterious black magic organization. Take taxes how do you explain your work expenses when you try to claim back a 'Necronomicon for Dummies.'

Suddenly a strong wind swept through the hall blowing the doors open wide. A tall figure in his floor length trench coat stalked into the hall leaving a trail of broken, dismembered ghouls behind. He brought with him a feeling of intense fear and despair, this was someone who would joyfully rip your own arm off and beat you to death with it singing in time with the beats.

What made Dennis look twice was the small Asian boy perched on his shoulder giggling, arms waving wildly poking any passing ghoul that the tall man did not reach fast enough.

Dennis had prepared for this. "Get them." He swung pointed dramatically at the Dahlia society.

They ran forward.

"Look, if I poke them really hard I can make squishy stuff come out there ears." The child who was clinging with one hand to the black haired man laughed as he caught a ghoul around the back of its head with golden pole he was holding.

But Dennis had not come unprepared. With his shout, ghouls at the back of the room hidden by the dahlia committees' latest flora stood up. Clutched in their arms was a large stereotypical bomb, timer counting down in large red glowing numbers.

A pained looked crossed the ancient vampires face as he watched Dennis begin to cackled to himself and rub his hands together.

Talking to the child balanced on his shoulder he complained. "Is it too much to ask for an opponent with a glimmer of originality?"

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The Captain was sitting in his staff vehicle trying to catch a breather, watching the latest group of ghouls rush the barricade his forces had placed across the town's one road out.

Someone had gotten a hold of a flame-thrower from somewhere he didn't want to ask, and he wasn't one to disappoint his men when they wanted to try something new out. The sight of the burning bodies running down the road brought back memories of his last camping trip with his kids; this is the ghouls that got past the other deterrents that had been placed on the road.

Parked almost parallel to his own vehicle was Hellsing's Rolls a cloud of smoke puffing out of an open window. Hellsing's people were huddled around their armored people carrier. Every so often one would lose a game of rock, paper, scissors, and have to go over to Hellsing's car and tell her the latest status report.

With a fantastic noise and shudder, an explosion shook the ground this car sat on.

"Fuck me." He muttered under his breath as he watched a plume of fire and debris rise up in front of him from the center of town. The pillar of the explosion lit the sky with its light. It looked like something had blown the whole bloody town up.

A flaming object crashed down on the windshield of his car. It made him look back at the road, where the one or two ghouls who had been attacking the barriers of concrete blocks had turned into dozens.

Turning on the cars windshield washer put out the fire and he could make out the burnt remains of a ghouls hand.

"Right, whomever's bright idea that was is going to have to--" His threat was broken off as another flying body part flew over the barrier. This one, it looked like a foot this time, landed on the roof of the canteen tent.

"That's bloody it. You can stop that right now." The Hellsing people were running around, like a nest of ants but he paid no attention.

The sound of disturbed car alarms woken by the explosion rang out. Soldiers were firing wildly, at the ghouls that were getting through the flame-thrower. The ghouls did not pay any attention to the bullets and fire and charged the blockade. As the Captain watched he realized that the ghouls where not so much running at them, as they were running away from someone.

And why did some of them have pink hair.

In the rotting remains of the ghoul's brains, the lemming like desire to flee had taken hold.

Luckily, the burst of ghouls was short and overwhelming firepower got rid of them quickly. So it was with trepidation he watched a tall bulky figure emerge from the smoke of the explosions and cooking ghouls beyond the barrier.

A small voice piercing the crackling of cooking undead flesh. "I'm hungry. I want a bacon sandwich."

A laugh, echoing oddly in the air crawled through the darkness; it made the hair on the back of the Captain's neck stand on end.

A puff of cigar smoke drifted past his shoulder.

"That would be Alucard." The captain sighed.

"He must be great fun at company picnics."

**Authors Note:**

I'm not late with my Xmas update. I'm just getting in early for Christmas 2007.


	14. One Part Gin, Two Parts Vermouth

Ranma's Horrible Histories

**Chapter Fourteen**

Two Parts Gin, One Part Vermouth

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, yada, yada, yada

_The definition of Virtue: Insufficient Temptation_

The architectural diagram of the Hellsing Mansion was laid out in front of Sir Integra. Held down with a tumbler of Grants and water. She traced a finger over a particular line, and then looked up. Two figures should have been standing ready to be disciplined. But only Walter stood next to the closed door. "I am sorry Sir Integra. They appear to be late." A wicked green glow entered the room from the roof to floor windows behind Integra.

"Have they found a way to bring back the third floor yet."

"No. Sir."

"Well, have they been able to stop the light."

"I am afraid not, Sir."

"What about the screaming?"

"I have sound proofed the second and fourth floors, you can barely hear it, Sir."

"Is it still singing 'Stairway to Heaven'?"

" I believe it is now on to 'Hotel California'"

Integra bit down hard on her cigar. For the past thirteen hours no one had been able to enter the third floor of Hellsing Manor, an eldritch green glow shone from every window, and from under ever door. Also an unearthly howling voice straight from an America Idol audition had been singing classic rock. It had all started when she had let Alucard bring that child home with him.

_scenechangescenechangescenechangescenechange_

The bus shuddered as the driver down ground through the gears. "I told you we should have brought another map." Henchman Number One sighed.

"Just give me a minute I'm sure it's round here somewhere."

"Give it to me." Frustrated Number Two reached over the seat, he grabbed the map out of the drivers hands.

"What in all the hells is this."

"A map."

"Of Norway!"

"No, see we're here." Number One pointed vaguely to the middle of the map. Number Two looked at where he had pointed.

"Nostrold!"

"Yes, probably." Number Two turned to shout at his co-driver.

"Finally we get give a proper job. No more mucking out the toilets of darkness, or making the lunch run of evil. But a proper henchman job. All we had to do was drop off this coach load of Ghouls at the Hellsing Mansion. And you had to get us lost."

Behind them in the back of the bus the ghouls were getting restless.

"All right then, the next person we see, we're stopping to ask directions."

"Do you think Attila the Hun stopped to ask for directions? What about Napoleon on his way to Waterloo what if he had asked for directions?"

"Well he would have won then wouldn't he." Pulled out of his fantasy world Number Two glared at his companion.

"What?"

"Well Napoleon he lost at Waterloo, didn't he. So if he hadn't been there he wouldn't have lost."

"That doesn't matter."

" We are going to have to stop soon the ghouls are hungry," In the far distance a lone figure appeared on the road ahead. Striding down the side of the road towards the oncoming bus. As they drew nearer they could make out the figure of a little boy dressed in white.

The bus pulled up alongside the kid and came to a squealing stop. It's door opening with a hiss. Number Two peered down at the boy, "Hey, squirt do you know where the Hellsing Mansion is?" The kid who for some reason was carrying a heavy broomstick over a small shoulder, put a finger to his chin in thought.

"If you turn around and go back to the third street on your right, then follow it till you reach the big grey church with the willow tree out the front. Head north past the church, then when you see a house with a green roof and four chimneys turn left it's about 2 miles down the road from there you can't miss it. There's a really long drive way, and if you see any signs up just ignore them. They're having a party. If you get lost here's a map just follow the red line."

The boy passed them up a piece of paper. "And if you can't find north here's a compass." The child tossed the compass at Number One.

"Thanks kid." With that he closed the doors and began to turn around. Number Two went to look back at the kid that had helped them. But he was gone

"Don't you think that's a little strange."

"Nah, he was just being helpful."

"Oh, okay."

_scenechangescenechangescenechangescenechange_

Sir Integra looked down out of her office window and grimaced. "Why are there balloons tied to the front gate?" Walter did not look up from the serious business of making tea.

"I was not aware of this Sir. I will have them removed immediately." Integra ground her cigar down on the ash tray.

" Just be careful, you remember what happened last week with the cardboard box in the cafeteria. They are still picking crab out of the walls." Walter walked up to her desk with a cup and her afternoon scone. Just as a big black coach bus pulled up in front of the main gates of the Hellsing Mansion. Dark one way glass covered the windows hiding it's occupants from view. It cast an ominous shadow over the Mansion's gateway. Honed from years of training and paranoia Integra brought her hand down on the big red button which placed her own loyal minions on high alert.

With the hiss of hydraulics the coaches doors opened, and pouring out came dozens of beautiful blonde women, all dressed in barely there bikini's blinking and giggling. And there to greet them somehow with out Sir Hellsing noticing were Alucard and his own evil little henchchild.

"I'm going to need my special medicine today Walter." With hardly a pause Walter removed the flask from under his jacket and poured a nip into her tea.

Meanwhile far, far, away Hugh Hefner watched the coach bus bringing his latest bevy of buxom babes to his door. Ready for another nonstop party with himself and all his like minded friends. The coach was late but as he watched it drive down the long gravel drive way he popped another blue pill and rubbed his hands in anticipation.

Other middle-aged balding rich men waited with baited breath as the bus pulled to a stop in front of the English playboy mansion. As a wave of flesh eating ghouls stormed out of the bus and began to feast on the botoxed flesh of the rich and famous, Mr. Hefner though he heard just before his throat was ripped out and he drowned in his own blood a voice. "This doesn't look like a secret government agency made to fight vampires, did you see that statue as we were coming up the drive."

"Shut up!"

Meanwhile what has Pluto been up to . . . .

The official version of the first sighting of the Lochness monster would have you believe that St. Columba, patron saint of floods, bookbinders, and poets, was the first man to see the 'foul' beast and drove it away saving a man from being devoured. When in fact according to the 'Big Fun Book of Humourous Saint Stories', that is not that case. A dreaded tome hidden for centuries by the church in fear that if the truth was ever known no one would be able to look at the stained glass window with a straight face ever again. What really happened at Loch Ness Fifth teen hundred years ago was much messier.

565 B.C.E

When the rest of the villagers from Loch Ness arrived at the scene of the explosion they were just in time to see the fleeing back of a badly burnt monster and a babbling Col hair on fire spinning in circles. A trail of debris lead from the ruins of the burning still out on to the lake. A second trail led away from the loch into the surrounding woods. On calming Columba down and putting his hair out. They finally got some kind of story out of him. It seemed the foul beast of the loch had tried to attack a beautiful women, Col had then courageously sacrificed his still and drove the beast back. The story was passed back and forth between the villagers and the tale of Columba's defeat of the beast grew with each retelling.

Meanwhile back at the gates of time, Pluto was slumped back in her bath trying to get the smell of fermented bran mash out of her hair. When she had stumbled through the bushes out into the horrid little man's clearing she had fallen over a barrel which had broken open splattering her in half fermented mush.

While at the same time a demon came charging through the other side of the clearing. With a tiny head balanced on a long thin neck, it waddled like a seal on it's four huge flippers. With her concentration ruined she lost the trail of the magic path she had been following. The little man who was cowering in the centre of the clearing hand both arms over his head and his face between his knees just sobbed as the demon appeared.

Meanwhile the monster was stomping through the mess of barrels and pipes that littered the ground, soaking himself in 155 proof liquor from Columba's poor still. With a manic look in his eye Nessie had spotted Pluto, oozing magic from her pours. As Nessie was already suffering from alcohol poisoning and his senses blurred he went to attack. Unfortunately the slightest spark from just the beginning of Pluto's attack caught fire and Nessie went up like a plastic bag in a furnace.

Luckily before she had retreated back to the Gates of Time and a hot bath she had been able to trace the path of magic away from Scotland, to another new destination. Knowing her luck so far, it was probably filled with insane children all ready and waiting to kill her already.

**_A/N_**

I am looking for another pre-reader for my Ranma 1/2 stories. I am looking for some one who is wants to read any of my stories early and check them for plot errors, odd sentence structure and spelling that may be missed by myself and my other pre-reader. I would be eternally grateful to any one's help and you would recieve much thanks from me. I wish I could come up with something wittier but it is rather late where I am posting. Thanks Phorcys


	15. Same Day Delivery

Ranma's Horrible Histories

**Chapter Fifteen**

Same Day Delivery

**Disclaimer:** If you haven't realised this yet, I am not going to repeat myself.

_Atheism is a non-prophet organization._

Putting the last book of psalms back in its place Father Anderson straightened up a cushion and began to walk up the aisle of his chapel. While hunting and killing unholy creatures of the night and other associated malicious creatures of the unknown and not the very unknown, was what you could call Father Anderson's night job he still tried to put in a few hours each week at his own little chapel in the orphanage in ran.

What time he got that is, blow up one nunnery in a bloody rampage of vengeance against the forces of the evil undead and they had you taking part in anger management classes and emotion displacement techniques. So in between the group counselling sessions where so far his graphic descriptions of vampire slayings had made two anger management counsellors quit and a third join the French foreign legion. Plus the hobby the church fathers had made him take up after that incident at the noodle bar and the werewolves, he was made to learn how to crochet and had produced tea cosies which had slogan's on them like "Bless this house, die all foul demons of the underworld and rot in your own syphilitic puss." Which sold surprisingly well at the orphanages annual fete's, white elephant stall. It kept the church fathers from making him retire and become a hermit on an island in the North Sea, with only sea gulls and seals for company.

So as he was walking down the aisle of the little church admiring the display created by the children, St Catherine at her wheel with battery powered spinning wheel, and realistic sound effects and flames, he shook it head in amazement it was stunning what kids these days could do with computers.

Father Anderson heard a vehicle pull up to the front of the church and come to a shrieking halt, followed by a loud thud and the roar of its engine at it drove away. Stopping the vampire hunting priest turned around and went to the chapels front doors removing from his person one of his trademark blades. He had yet to be attacked in his own home but he wouldn't put it past the undead scum to attack him here. Easing the door open he peeked through the gap with one eye, ready at a moment's notice to fling the holy silver blades out the door.

To his surprise there sat a large wooden packing crate at the bottom of the church steps. After an attack by unholy enemies of the church failed to arise, Father Anderson eased open the door and walked down to the crate.

While the Father's middle name may not be 'Caution', in fact after setting himself on fire and running headfirst in to the nest of Russian vampires in Moscow there would be a good argument against this. In fact his middle name was Father Alexander 'Oh shit, Oh Shit, it's him' Anderson.

Peering down at the shipping crate the priest could see dozens of stickers plastering the wooden sides, all with distant destinations listed, New York, Paris, Timbuktu, Perth, Kaikoura, Gore, New Jersey.

It looked like it had been dropped from a great height the boards were cracked and someone had wrapped half of it, in duct tape. There was a heavy chain that in circled the whole thing wrapping around it a dozen times. Before being closed by a solid lock, which would not have looked out of place being used as an anchor on a super tanker. A sign on one side had an arrow pointing at the ground and the words 'This Side Up'. Curious Father Anderson stepped closer to the box leaning in; it was almost as if he could hear something breathing inside, like an animal.

Caught off guard a long metal pole broke through the wood and smacked into the Father's crotch with a meaty thud, making him double up in pain, being able to heal all wounds was one thing, but he could still feel it. Gasping as his world became a very small, personal one, filled with pain. Father Anderson staggered back collapsing on the steps to get his breath back before dispatching this obviously nefarious plot of the unholy.

As he gasped and bright lights flashed in front of his gaze, the box began to shudder and the pole was lowered to the ground and used to lever the crate up on to one corner and with a crash rolled over, so that the arrow was now pointing up. Before he could reach for his holy blades the box exploded out in a shower of wood and empty pizza boxes.

!!!!

Sirens sounded and the firemen could only watch as the chapel went up in a fiery blaze. Where once there had been peaceful gardens where the children could play, holes ripped up the grass and had scattered flowers for hundreds of meters. The children's model of St Catherine had been lost, last seen heading for the motor way and accelerating. An explosion ripped through what had once been the vestry as it went up in a fireball when the communion wine caught fire.

The fire chief stood next to Father Anderson and shook his head, "I am terribly sorry, Father, there was nothing we could do. Whatever had happened to the chapel, it went up so fast?" The priest ignored the man's sympathy and just watched as some of the children from the orphanage who had picked up some bad habits were poking things in the craters left in the garden with long sticks. "My cousin asked me to visit again last week."

"Well, that sounds good, get away from all this madness."

Father Anderson still ignored him. "Cousin Ted always says how peaceful it is on Craggy Island. I think I'll see how he's doing."

!!!!

Mozart's 'The Magic Flute' filled Sir Integra's office with its harmonic music as with a big grin and a glass full of Glenfiddich's finest she settled back in her chair and relaxed for the first time in three months, she had jammed a chair under the office door and planned to finish the bottle in front of her and if she happened to start on the second bottle in her bottom drawer that she didn't care if Walter knew about. The plan to get rid of the little brat was a success and for the first time in months she had got rid of the large red blood sucking nuisance in her life.

When her majesty call's on the service of her most loyal and dependant Holy Order of Protestant Knights to protect and defend an important piece of the British Empire, an incredibly important part of the British Empire. It still had domains and commonwealth countries in many far flung places of the world. Britain who with vim and vigour and gone out to seek new knowledge and discover new lands all over the globe, and to get away from having to drink gin.

So when her majesty's representative asks for help, who is Sir Integra to argue. When Sir William, the Commissioner of the British Antarctic territory contacted her and asked for some assistance with a were penguin problem around the Halley Research Station located on the Brunt Ice Shelf floating on the Weddell Sea in Antarctica. She was only too happy to help.

Bundling up their best agent for the mission, Integra didn't expect to see Alucard back for another two months. This had given her a chance to lure the brat in to that shipping crate with a dozen meatlovers pizza.

So what, if she may have mentioned in passing to her Uncle William, a close family friend who had gone to Eton with her father, at their annual lunch at his club that she could possibly do with some help getting rid of a tiny little problem, that's what old friends are for.

The lifting music surrounded her and she took another sip of the whisky letting the fire of the liquor pour down her throat, sometimes it was good to be in charge.

!!!!

Somewhere in Brazil at a secret military base there was build up for its final attack against the world. Guarding a gate was two of the least missed members in this army of doom, left to make sure anyone that may stumble across the secret base did not escape to tell their tale, so far they had shot one used Llama dealer and two monkeys.

Sitting inside the concrete pill box that sat on one side of the barb wire gates, one guard was filling in time like most low level workers with access to the internet do and was updating his facebook page, even undead mooks of a long defeated world terror still like to twitter.

Standing on one foot outside looking into the jungle his fellow guards man was trying to pick his nose and with meticulous aim hit one of the swarms of files that always hung around the base. "Hey Tom." Said the soldier sitting inside.

"Yip Bill." So what if they were undead Nazi vampires they can still be called Bill and Tom.

"You gotta friend me, and take a look at this picture I put up, see I brought this crochet tea cosie off etsy." "Bill, you're an undead creature of the night, what are you doing buying tea cosies of etsy. You can't even drink tea."

"Just because some of us have culture."

"Bill if the Captain catches you torrenting episodes of 'A Touch of Frost.' Again. He'll be angrier than Schrodinger does when you drink all the milk." The sound of a vehicle approaching the base could suddenly be heard; stopping Bill's next biting comment about what people who didn't like Inspector Frost could do.

Before either could react, a FedEx van came to a screeching turn in front of the gates and in a move straight out of some cheap car film swung around in a sweeping handbrake turn and without stopping the back doors were flung open and the momentum of the turn, pushed a large wooden crate out of the swinging doors. The box tumbled and came to a crashing stop on top of Tom. Without a backwards glance the van was gone screeching off down the jungle trail. "Tom . . .Tom." Bill looked away from the computer screen and came outside as the box began to rock.

Omake

"So, you can be anywhere and no where if you think you are there, cause you know that you are there, but if you think you are not there then you aren't, but what happens if you close your eyes" Schrodinger sighed, "I am still where I think I am, whenever I think am there."

"What about, if you were lost and didn't know where you were, then you wouldn't know where you were so how would you know where you were to know that you were there to be able to know that you are here?" Ranma took a deep breath after that one.

"I know that I am there because I believe that I am there. As long as I believe that I am there I am observing myself, so I know this, as long as I am aware of being everywhere and nowhere at the same time I can be everywhere and nowhere at the same time."

'So,' said Ranma who had been building up to this, 'if you wanted you could be in an Okinomiyaki restaurant or a Yakatori stand, or a Fish and Chip shop, or a Chocolate factory or a Pizza place, or a Sushi restaurant, and still be eating Ramen here, all at the same time."

"I suppose." Ranma had just found the person with the coolest powers yet.

Omake 1

The smell of roast meat floated tantalisingly through the forest leading the curious cat onwards. As he moved from tree to tree he started to hear someone speak, at first not making out the words then as he got closer to the source of the delicious smell that drifted in the air, he thought he could hear a small child singing."Gonna eat, Gonna eat, Gonna eat you little bunny, gonna eat you little bunny cause I like eating bunnies."

The cat paused for a moment, a though rushing through his mind, unlike normal forests where rabbits swarmed under and above ground like a furry plague, there was only one rabbit the cat knew that lived in these woods, and he wasn't going to be someone appetiser.

Leaping now from tree to tree the flying feline burst out into a forest clearing roaring, with a single glance he saw the roasted carcass hanging over the cheery fire, the golden pocket watch and pince-nez glasses sitting on a clump of grass and the jolly waist coat hanging from a nearby tree. 'White Rabbit' He screamed the human child in the centre who had been basting the dear departed animal with a reduction of wild garlic and red wine turned at the shout of the Cheshire and screamed. 'Cat' Ranma dropped everything he held except his poking stick and high tailed it out of wonderland.

Omake 2

Tall majestic curtains framed the throne that sat at one end of the echoing chamber. Sitting on a raised dais the throne looked down on three women each wearing a more bizarre costume. One appeared to be almost hopping up and down in anticipation. The room went dark and a spot light lit up the throne, appearing as if from nowhere a tall man stood wearing a strange cloaked costume and spiky crown. "Today I offer the world, this pitiful corrupt world, which we are working to conquer city by city, so as to free the world from its self, under my unified grasp of power, from its own weak nature. My heir"

You could have heard a pin drop, Excel who had been ready to burst into cries of joy at seeing Lord Ii Palazzo, drooped like a slug left out in the sun. "Heir" she cried. With a sweeping gesture Il Palazzo pointed to stage left and a miniature figure wearing the exact same outfit as the mastermind of world domination, which on a small child did not so much look like an outfit as an explosion in an ice cream factory.

"But, why would such a genius like you Lord Il Palazzo pick such a worthless child who quite likely is a spy for the nefarious others who are at this moment working to stop your magnificent plan with their sneaky ways." Without looking down at his babbling underling, Ii Palazzo turned to his new second in command and nodded. A pit opened under Excel and in time honoured fashion she vanished followed by a splash and a distant wails "You gave him the button, I never got a button, and it's not fear, where did all the crabs come from, not the eyes not the eyes."

Omake 3

Ranma didn't have a clue where he was, okay maybe one clue; he didn't think he was back on that beach with the strange statue and the monkeys that rode horses. Which was just silly because monkeys didn't ride horses and he kept trying to tell them that and they didn't have to yell at him like they did, did they? Anyway he didn't think he was back with the monkeys because the sun was much redder back there and everything smelt like a wet monkey.

He was in the middle of a forest, a dark and oppressive forest where the trees towered over him and there were only ferns for ground cover.

Always making the best out of a bad situation Ranma picked a direction at random and started walking, something would happen, or more than likely he would happen to someone. So it was, that he began to walk uphill occasionally stopping to poke things with his poking stick, cause that's what it was there for and what use is a poking stick if you can't poke interesting things with it.

When he broke through the tree line and came out on to a hillside clearing filled with bluebells and butter cups he stopped amazed at the 'Sparkly' view in front of him, he'd found a sparkling forest fairy.

When Edward returned from his morning 'tree jumping' jog through the forest to start another day of angsting and unexplainable high school attendance, 'because really if you have gone through it once and you have the choice to do it again would you really? Let alone a dozen times'

He had returned with a new friend he had been unable to shake even when he had used his vampire speed and tree hopping abilities. Racing through the front door he slammed it shut behind him, only to hear

"Mr Fairy, Mr Fairy, why don't you have any wings? Mr Fairy, Mr Fairy why don't you want to talk? I like your hair. Mr Fairy did you stick your finger in the electrical socket? I did that once and I couldn't get my hair like that, Mr Fairy, Mr Fairy.

Omake 4

"Do you expect me to talk Doctor M?"

"No I expect you to die." The British secret agent was tangled in the terrible death trap lured in by the beautiful and deadly Miss Linguist. Whose skill with ninja book keeping, had balanced his books like no one ever had before, and had him trapped here.

Where he now found himself hanging precariously over a deep pit, filled with cyborg piranhas with flamethrowers on their heads. Every so often there would be a splutter below him as a gas tank filled with water, and a fish would fall to the bottom of the tank and be eaten by its mates. A distant shudder deeper in the evil masterminds volcano fortress of doom made the cyborgs fractious and a blast of fire swept past the British spy's ear.

"Now I have you at my mercy Bond, you cannot stop me from taking over the world." The Doctor threw his head back and laughed only to stagger as a larger shudder made everything in the room move setting Bond swinging over the pit. Doctor M made contact with an overall wearing minion through the intercom; Bond was too far away to hear what the henchman said. Doctor M scowled, "There's a what?' ...'in the external fission reactor core.' . . .'Kill it'. . .'I don't care if it looks like a kid, just do what I say" Conversation finished the villain turned to face Bond.

"Where was I?" He asked. Bond helped.

"You were up, how I can't stop you from taking over the world."

"Thanks. So you can't stop me from me from taking over the world Mr Bond. For I have created a genius plan that no one will ever be able to foil. "Bringing his head back for a second attempt at an evil diabolical laugh, an explosion burst through the room shaking pylons loose from the cavern roof and sending water from the piranha pit splashing over the floor.

Sirens began to sound and a warning light flashed high up on one wall. More explosions sounded each one getting louder and louder. Doctor M fell to the floor, rocks and pieces of diabolical machinery falling around him. A squad of henchman ran in "Sir, sir, the creature's broken the generator and started the self destruct protocol. We only have five minutes to evacuate." Two of the men helped their leader up, almost carrying him out of the door.

Swinging back and forwards, forgotten, Bond watched them leave too dizzy to protest. If only he hadn't left his watch with the laser in it, in his other trousers.


	16. Show Me The Way To Go Home

Ranma's Horrible Histories

**Chapter Sixteen**

Show Me The Way To Go Home

**Disclaimer:** ibid

A band was breaking down at the back of the bar, having just finished their set for the night. Someone had turned the house lights up, so what had, only hours ago been a throbbing centre of noise and human emotion was now the equivalent of a used sock, musty, slightly damp and starting to show holes.

There was a smash and crash out the back as someone tossed empties into the dumpster outside, it was the only noise except for two women sitting at the bar. They had arrived separately and had started drinking separately each to their own poison one had started on beer, continued on beer and was looking like she was going to stop on beer. The other had started with a gimlet and had just asked for the bottle of gin and some ice at around 2.00 am. It was 5.00am and they were the last ones left in the club, the poor man behind the bar wanted to go home, put his feet up and try to get the house band's cover of 'Hotel California.' out of his head.

"Look, this is going to have to be your last drink of the night, love." The women looked up unsteadily.

"Who? I said, who?", she seemed to forget what she was saying for a moment, and then jerked her head up as it came to her. "Who do you think you are talking to, Love?" She spat the last word out spreading saliva and a breath that could be used as a flame thrower, over the bar man. He looked into her blood shot eyes; in fact they were the reddest blood shot eye's he had ever seen. It was almost as though the pupils themselves were blood shot, before he could comment the bar's other occupant who had been working her way through the bar's beer supply spoke up.

"Oh, leave the guy alone, he's a good guy, he controls the booze don't you know not to make the man with the booze angry." The gin drinker swivelled in her seat and had to grab hold of the bar rail to stop herself from sliding right off.

"I can talk to him however, I bloody well like. Do you know who I am; I have faced down the very storms of time to glance in the eternal heart of the universe. I can do whatever I bloody want." The other women who until the lights had come up, the barman hadn't realised had blue hair, laughed.

"Don't make me laugh, bitterly. Just cause you've faced down the whatsit and yawned in the face of the other thing. Don't mean you can be mean." The drunk stopped and thought a moment over what she had just said. 'Mean you can be mean. Yeah that's what I meant."

"I have had to trek through the deepest depths of time trawled the coldest seas of the eternal darkness all before breakfast. And could I find the little bastard? Not even a hair."

"You think you've got it bad, I have got to live with this neurotic little git of a teenager, who is meant to save the goddamn world, and it's like he wants me to hold his hand all the time. And I think he's been coming into to my room at night and watching me sleep. My work mates make the American postal system seem like a well adjusted work place. My boss is trying to take over the world, and not just in the normal middle management way, and I think I have finished my drink." With that she slumped forward and rested her head on the counter, not seeming to notice the sticky puddle of beer her hair was sitting in.

"Teenagers, teenagers," the other women got up and part walking, part stumbling made her way down the bar to the other, who was drawing patterns in the suds on the bar with a finger. The bar man long forgotten had taken the opportunity to start his own clean up.

"Don't get me started on teenagers and having to save the world, you think they would be a little more grateful that for all the hard work we have to put in to make sure they don't manage to kill themselves. Here I am stuck for thousands of years with only the worlds stupidest reality T.V show for company, do you know what most people do when they think no one is watching, they read a book, or do the washing, or the go for a walk, boring. My name is Setsun... Setsunana . . .Setsuna" Her blue haired companion held out a hand to shake and managed to poke Setsuna in the eye.

"Misato Katsuragi" She rushed the word out as if she would forget her own name if she didn't say it quick enough.

At the other end of the club, the bar man who had been heading out with the used glasses, paused as for some reason a sense of foreboding made him shiver, or it might have been the breeze from the open window, he wasn't sure.

**xxzzxx**

Meanwhile somewhere, in an entirely different dimension. . .

Alucard was sulking. He wouldn't have said he was, and would more than likely ripped the persons head off and used the hole as a finger puppet, but Integra had to put up with his moods for long enough and she knew when he was sulking. It was similar to when he had found that defunct Russian nuclear weapon for sale on eBay and she hadn't let him buy it.

Or, when she had made him clean his room up after finding the dismembered bodies of the entire south Hampshire cheerleading team who had been involved in that freak accident with the mass murdering vampire of Kent.

He had locked himself in his room and was not coming out, just because she had to get rid of his little pet. Sir Integra sighed, "Fine, the next pet. You can keep."

She threw up her hands. Maybe, she thought if he got a little dog or a cute kitty it wouldn't be that bad, so why did she feel like she had made one of the most stupid mistakes in her life.

**xxzzxx**

Marked out on the ground twenty meters across was something resembling a Sudoku board if it was created by Stephen Hawking on crack. Its creator stood back and took a look at his work. "That's it, it's finished. All mine." He dusted his hands on his distinctive black and red patterned jacket.

"Don't you mean after the hard work and dedication of others that you blackmailed, threatened and murdered." His companion commented.

"Same thing." Lines of what could have been blood but then again could have been red paint covered the cleared ground, at the centre of the empty space in the middle of the forest glade.

When it had only been half finished the air over the centre of the circle had started to waver as though caught in a heat haze and now that it was finished, its creator could not see through the disturbance in the air to the other side.

"Are you finished?" His companion who had had reached the brain numbing state of boredom two hours ago was leaning against a tree. "We've been here for four days. You promised we could go to the beach when you finished."

"And we will, just be quite."

"You could have finished this two days ago if you hadn't stopped for Pocky every hour." Itachi ignored him and brought out a scroll to complete the summoning. "I mean why couldn't you have just signed a summoning contract that already exists?"

"They weren't good enough."

"Define 'Good Enough', then."

"My summon has to be powerful, terrifying, their very presence has to freeze the marrow in people's bones and they have to like Pocky."

"What about snakes, Orochimaru has snakes, they're pretty scary."

"I don't want to touch anything that man has been near you don't know what he's been using it for." His companion who was tall blue and not inclined to laugh if you started humming a popular movie theme, agreed.

"All the greats have had summoning contracts, Tsunade has her slugs, Jiraiya has his toads, Copy Ninja Kakashi has those dogs, and Hiruzen Sarutobi had the monkeys."

"Hold on a minute I've always wondered how the hell someone thought a slug, was going to a good weapon, I could understand the dogs, even the monkeys, because this one time I went to the zoo and they sure knew how to throw, but slugs." Itachi ignored him,

"Any way, I will summon my beast and command a creature the likes of which has never been seen it will bring fear and loathing to all who see it. Its very presence will force the weak to flee and the strong to lose control of their bowls. "

"If it was so easy to summon some powerful creature, why are we spending all out time wandering all over the place, collecting the Jinchuriki Hosts and having to put up with whinging brats all the time?" Itachi continued to ignore Kisame; it had worked for the last five years he wasn't stopping now. Dropping the scroll he reached into a bag set to the side of the disturbed earth, Itachi withdrew a wooden box and reached inside.

"With this final sacrifice I will claim this power and . . .and . . ." Itachi seemed to have forgotten his next line. Kisame sighed

"What are ya going to do?" Itachi strode around the seal.

"I don't know but it's going to be pretty powerful. " Bringing forth the final sacrifice he threw the Pocky into the centre of the vast bloody seal. Kisame just held his head and sighed, he could have been partnered with Deidara, Hidan, or nearly anybody in the Akatsuki, they couldn't have possibly been any weirder.

Walking counter clockwise around the seals Itachi brought his hands together and formed the motions to bring forth his contracted beast, hand movements if an uneducated person didn't know better that may have looked like someone had caught their fingers in a mouse trap and was trying to shake it off.

A heavy pink mist started to pour forth from the centre of the clearing billowing up to conceal the ground around the centre of the seal. With a final burst of effort Itachi stopped his frantic hand waving and took a step back to view his, masterpiece in action.

The smoke got higher and higher building up into the sky till it towered so far above that it seemed to curve out over their heads. With a rushing noise like water flowing down a deep river, the smoke started to flow back down as though it were being sucked back into the ground and as the last of the pink cloud drew down sounded like the last water in a bath draining down the plug hole, there was an explosion. Kisame could only describe as pink, if pink had a flavour or a smell that would be what flattened the trees around them and forced both ninja back a step. "So" Kisame stared at the creature that was sitting in the centre of the seal. " I can't argue that looks like a beast to make the hearts of strong men weak." Itachi said nothing. "I know I've never been so scared in my life." Kisame added trying not to grin.

Sitting in the centre of the seal was a small human boy, around six if Kisame was going to guess, with long black hair hanging around its face and wearing a faded, ratty white Keikogi. Who it seemed was not fazed by suddenly appearing from the middle of a pink cloud, as it had started to pick its nose. "The spirits are masters of disguise. They can hide themselves in an innocent guise, from all that would suspect them." The kid had finished picking his nose and had started investigating what he had found up there.

"It's pretty good disguise then, cause I would of thought he was just some snot nosed brat."

"Then you are mistaken because quite clearly I have summoned something especially powerful if it can hide its self so well." Kisame raised an eye brow as Itachi's summoned beast finally noticed them. It waved. "With this we will capture the nine tailed fox and then all the worlds Pocky will be mine." Itachi began to rub his hands together in anticipation.

**xxzzxx**

For the last four hours Unit One had been stuck with its head in the lake and its legs pointing up at the sky, half the city was destroyed and someone, who would remain nameless, had written' Misato Rules, Ritsuko Drools**"** on the side of the geofront.

"An 'Angel' did it." Misato was sitting with her head in her hands and was staring at the floor in front of Gendo who was waiting for an explanation. "What about the . . "

"An 'Angel' did it.

"But we can't find all the clowns, and I believe the elephant ran away. "

"An 'Angel' did it."

"So you're saying an Angel made Shinji consume vast amounts of alcohol. It then convinced him to run naked through the NERV headquarters and steal Unit One, wire some sort or video game into the motion controls of the EVA and play DDR, before the 'Angel'. Gendo actually made air quotes with his fingers when he said Angel. "Before the Angel knocked him unconscious and dumped him and the EVA in the lake where we still can't get him out." For a moment he thought Misato was going to crack then she whispered, so as to spare her aching head.

"An 'Angel' did it."

**SIDE TRIPS**

**Omake One**

Bond grinned he had met a beautiful blonde at the bar, legs up to here and a body that made his heart beat faster than trying to escape a south American drug baron in a llama costume [don't ask]. He used some of his dashing English charm and a bit of the old mysterious devil may care flair and before he could finish his first drink she was inviting him up to her room. She told him to wait for ten minutes while she got ready and left him to watch her saunter upstairs , leaving her room number in lipstick on his shirt.

James knew there was a 99.99% chance she was an evil seductress, sent by the enemy to distract him from the mission, but he didn't care. If MI5 expected him to put up with lasers, shark tanks and cat hair, [he was allergic]. Then he should be allowed the occasional dalliance with an enemy spy.

Following her, after slowly savouring his drink, he slipped into the rooms of the beautiful blonde. Inside he could here giggling, maybe he thought she was already in the hot tub. Where after they made love she would attempt to drown him, between her silken thighs. The most important thing was that that he hoped the assassination attempt was after the seduction.

Suddenly he heard another voice in the room high pitched, it too giggled. Puzzled James opened the door. Sitting on the couch was a young boy, wrapped up in a fluffy hotel bathrobe perched on the beautiful women's lap. "What's this? You didn't say anything about having kids." A cold sweat broke out on the spies' brow, he hoped to hell the kid wasn't his.

The women sighed as the small child clapped his hands as he continued to watch the television. "I found him outside, when I was setting up the remote controlled sniper rifle . . . I mean when I went out for some fresh air. "

"Why did you bring him up here, aren't there people for that?"

"Mr Bond he was fighting some wild dog for an empty pizza box. When I tried to stop him he just kept saying something about, the fat man not stealing his food." The child turned to face the English spy and James swore the thing's eyes gleamed.

"Baldy man. " It laughed and pointed at the spies head.

"What" James scowled he thought no one would notice the plugs. "Couldn't you have given it to the concierge?"

"He's just a little boy." James had the stinking feeling he was not going to have escape from a sexy assassination attempt this night.

**Omake Two**

In a perfectly normal green house, under a perfectly normal purple roof, that just happened to open to let its perfectly normal human owners intergalactic space craft through. Zim was working on his latest plan for the domination and subjugation of earth. He was at the most delicate stage, he was working on grafting the wings onto the pigs without them exploding for longer than five seconds after release, an explosion ripped through the lab sending exploding pig parts around the room, but leaving a wonderful smell of frying bacon behind.

"Gir, what are you doing, can't you see I'm in the middle of a momentous event, MOMENTOUS." It just so happened that Gir was running from one side of the room to the other a ham in each hand. "I'm playing hide and seek, shhhh" with that the little robot ran out of the lab a smoking ham in each hand. Sighing Zim got back to his work. Just how was he going to get the pigs to eat the explosives, hmm exploding ham?

Waves ofgreen goo flooded the city and forced the unwary citizens into water wings. Zim who had grasped hold of one of the few remaining lamp posts hung on with one arm and called for Gir with his other. "Gir, where are you? Come in Gir. Answer me Gir." The radio crackled

"Can't"

"Gir, you must." The radio was dead. "Are you eating waffles Gir?" The radio crackled again.

"No, I'm playing with my friend. I love waffles, waffles, waffles, waffles, waffles." Zim screamed as a wave of green ooze swept him free from the lamp post and down the street. Slamming against a school bus Zim's head bounced and made the same sound you get when you throw a watermelon at a brick wall sort of 'Splurghhallsploosh' using his communicator once again he called for his mostly faithful robot Gir.

"Answer me Gir, or feel my fist of Doom." The radio crackled,

"Nope. Busy now. We're playing Twister, I'm the race car."

Much later slamming the front door open and leaving a trail of green goo behind him Zim dragged himself into his house. Only to trip over a long gold pole lying in front of the door, one end looking vaguely like a stupid earth key and the other end held a glowing pink crystal. "G.I.R, stop littering our headquarters with your human rubbish." From somewhere deeper in the house he thought he could hear the television.

Dragging the pole behind him Zim tried to storm into the living room but squelched as green goo still filled his boots. Coming to a halt at the door way he pointed with a trembling hand at Gir's new friend. "Human vermin." Both GIR and his new friend Ranma who was shovelling waffles into his mouth were sitting on the couch. They turned as one "Shhh, monkeys." and turned back to face the television screen.

Inarticulate with rage Zim brought the vermin stick around to thwack the foolish human and was zapped by a crackling blot of pink lightning from the glowing crystal. "Ow, My squeedlyspooch!"

Flipping through the air Ranma's poking stick landed next to him on the couch, for him to absent-mindedly pat it like a dog that had done a good trick.

**Omake Three**

Bringing the bed sheets up around his nose Ranma wriggled deeper into the blankets and sighed. After being spat out once again into a new place, this time in the middle of a snow storm, which when he thought about it was not the worst place he had appeared, there had been that world where it was always night time and everyone was stuck in those funny boxes and he had had to play hide and seek with the octopus robots till they all exploded. That had been fun.

Here it had only taken him a few minutes to find this abandoned hotel which for some reason reminded him of a deserted temple that his old man had made them camp at one time, even after the ancient monk had had told him it had been built on an old burial ground. The old man had made them both stay awake for a whole week after that night.

The creeping feeling of cold dread, which sort of felt like someone had dropped an ice cube down your shirt felt almost the same as before, but Ranma wasn't worried cause he was the greatest martial artist ever and no stupid ghost would ever frighten him.

So when he tried to find out if someone was home, and the elevator had been filled with blood, he used the stairs. When the two girls had turned up and asked him to play he had stuck out his tongue and laughed at them because he didn't want to play with no stinky girls.

Then when he tried to go to sleep in an empty room and some lady kept knocking at his door and asking him if he wanted anything, he just rolled over and wrapped himself deeper in the blankets. Yawning Ranma snuggled deeper into the bed and drifted off to sleep, not paying the slightest attention to the water oozing out from under the bathroom door.


End file.
